Christmas Eve Eve

 

Peaceful Christmas

 This Christmas, in the midst of a pandemic, political wackiness, closed temples and natural disasters, I experienced a level of peace that I have never felt. I have been pondering on how it happened.  First, it was a gift of mercy from a God who gives his children things they don’t deserve or earn.  Second, it was a result of a life of comfort and abundance that comes from Tony’s secure and well paying job and the generosity of Tony’s parents.  Third, it came from following gentle impressions and not sabotaging the revelation.

On Tuesday night Cooper and Jes called to cancel their trip.  Wilson had dropped the bomb of his  invitation to Stephanie Kelley for Christmas.  The potential for a family rupture was looming and the trauma of past Christmas’ was acute.   On Wednesday after Tony left for work a little thought came to my mind  to go to the Oregon Coast for Christmas, I mentioned it to Eliza, who suggested it to Max and Sam.  I expected Eliza and Sam to be onboard, but when Max said he would go, I didn’t hesitate.  I booked tickets and ignored the cost.  I found a VRBO and splurged for one with a hottub.  When Tony came home for lunch I told him the plan and all the disappointment he felt about Cooper and Jes not coming dissipated.  He booked the car.  Miraculously, I had  Christmas presents all ready, including stockings.  After a birthday visit and treat with Grandpa and Grandma Rippy we celebrated both Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.  Eliza was thrilled with her VLOG camera, Sam although not surprised, was pleased with his phone upgrade.  Max was pleased with his headphones and everyone seemed happy with their ukuleles   

Thursday morning the kids were all up and cooperative and by 8:00 we were on our way.  Travel was smooth and after a Christmas Eve dinner at Wendy’s and Taco Time, we arrived in Lincoln City.  That’s when it started:-an inexplicable relief of worry, concern and stress. A peace that was almost euphoric.  It was even fun to go get our groceries on Christmas Eve together and then snuggle in for the night.  Tony and Eliza and I took advantage of the hot tub and enjoyed a little fireworks show over the sea. We  watched movies, and ate treats.  We had a brief Christmas Eve program that involved reading Luke 2 and watching the church Christmas video. There were no expectations, no disappointments, no tensions.

Christmas Day Tony and I went for a beautiful beach run.  After breakfast we went to Pacific City to climb the dunes.  When Max chose to stay in the car I didn’t  feel panicky.  I continued to feel that surreal calm. We had a yummy ham and potatoes Christmas dinner and when the Martinelli’s exploded all over the table, my temper didn’t match it. All was calm, all was alright.   That night we watched movies together and Max gave what he could; about an hour of back scratching and scriptures.  That night we had the most tremendous rainstorm. It felt so soothing to be in front of a cozy fire with the rain pouring in sheets.  

On Saturday Tony and I enjoyed more breach time, had breakfast and took the kids to the mall.  Even at the mall, my least favorite place on the planet, I felt the calm.  All the kids found new shoes, but also made well thought-out choices that showed a modicum of financial smarts.  We ran to the beach for pictures and explored tide pools.  Again, I didn’t feel anger and resentment when Max and Sam didn’t last long.  I felt grateful they came for a picture and got along while they were doing it.  Peace.  Calm. Serenity,

Sunday morning we watched church and then Tony and I walked on the beach during our RS and quorum lessons.  I loved that.   It was beautiful and sunny and our drive back to the airport was beautiful through the Tillamook forest.  Everyone expressed gratitude for their Burgerville lunch.  

I want this felling to stay more than anything.  I must spend time figuring out how to grasp the ethereal and gossamer strands of my most peaceful Christmas ever.

Happy Birthday Sam, Samuel, Marcos, Mark, Marcus or whatever you want to be called today

 My dear many-named son,

This year in addition to exploring your identity with frequent name changes, you have tried on all kinds of personas.  The bad boy, the fashionista, the athlete, the social butterfly.  You are well liked  and good at making social things happen.  You've really struggled with grades as you have spent most of your energy figuring out your social identity.  Lately you have been keen to keep your closet neat and orderly.  I love going in to see all your clothes carefully organized and cared for.  You still love sports and spend lots of time watching and analyzing basketball and football.  You are also most aware of athlete uniforms and carefully critique styles and colors as much as you analyze stats.  You are adept at getting a rise out of your Dad by negatively and subtley insulting his beloved BYU cougars, but that's on him for taking the bait.  I love how much you share with me.  Sometimes I'm not as good of a listener because your chatter seems not to have an ending or a point, but our cartime conversations are one of my greatest treasures.  

This year to celebrate you walked to Lin's for a box of your favorite donuts, brought them back and celebrated with the Hainsworths.  You were pretty happy with your shoes and Gonzaga jersey, despite the lack of surprise since you picked them out.  Your LED lit room and Stance sock addiction are part of your trademarks as well.  

I appreciate your long suffering and persistent efforts to connect with your siblings.  You and Eliza had some fun video game and shopping time over thanksgiving and you never stop trying to connect with Max despite his equally persistent efforts to disconnect.  You are anxious to clear up your acne and build your biceps.  You are embracing your Hispanic nationality and even show signs of being proud of your country of origin.  

You are still the product of some really hard family dynamics.  We all have continued healing and work to do, but our family would be empty without you.  You have always been our chistoso and our source of laughter.  I'm so happy to be your Mom and grateful for everyday I get to discover more about you.  I love you Marcos Samuel Lundberg.  

Thanksgiving COVID style

 This was the first year in a very long time that the Blughesworths were not all together for Thanksgiving and the Hughes/Barrows family were very missed.  Thankfully, the rest of us were able to gather in sunny St George for good food,  lots of pickleball and pandemic relief.  It was expecially fun to have Jake and Callie and the boys here and we discovered how much we have missed homemade rolls and babies! (Callie proved to be Audrey's daughter 100% in the baking department).  

Monday night Luke, (and his dog Hershey) Anna and Halle Caviness came from Provo a couple of nights early.  They were a little shaken after witnessing the suicide of Luke's roommate and needed to be in a safe place with people.  Thankfully we could put Luke in the trailer in the garage- such a blessing for him to have his own space.

On Wednesday Tony had to work, so the rest of us shopped and played.  Early afternoon Tony was asked to come evaluate our neighbors cut finger for stitches and got to escape work early!  We had our hungry pilgrim feast and tucked in for games and talk.  Andrea and I ran a plate of pie out to Wilson, but his COVID exposure prevented him from coming. 

Our feast on Thursday went so smoothly.  Tony's smoked turkey was amazing.  I'm grateful he takes over that part. Everyone pitched in and dinner was delicious, nothing burned or raw.  One highlight of the day was the drive-by grandparents that dressed up in their finery and came for a plate to eat in their car.  

Jack did really well and was enthralled with the baby.  He and Sam spent several morning at the gym and Jack was a particularly good friend to him.  Max isolated most of the time, but I tried hard to notice his efforts at connection.  Eli and Jonah were especially kind and took a plate of food to Wilson.  I know he appreciate seeing his friends and being remembered.

Friday Tony and Jake went mountain biking then met us at Aspiration Point.  Everyone came and hiked the whole thing-a Thanksgiving miracle.  We celebrated our hike with Popeyes and then enjoyed the sunny afternoon together.  Tony, Jason, Jonah and Lily played almost 6 hours straight of pickleball and loved every minute.  Sam figured with everyone here it was a great time to celebrate his birthday.  He picked up donuts and pizza and we had an unofficial birthday party celebrating his 14th!  

By Saturday most everyone had caught a flight or headed north and we got to enjoy a calm peaceful day with Callie and Jake and the boys.  Jake and Tony did a bit more mountain biking and Callie Eliza and I did a little shopping.  I got to spend a lovely afternoon watching the boys.  Both Henry and Oliver bring me so much joy.  If this is grandparenting, count me in.  

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  I like the pie and the leaves.  I like that there isn't a focus on gifts, but a great focus on connection.  I'm so grateful that COVID didn't rob us this year of my favorite time.  

One extra special Thanksgiving blessing was the chance to see the Arslanians and enjoy the kids for the afternoon.  They are such special people and I miss them so much.  

Last Drops of Summer

 Eliza figured out that Lake Powell was only 4 hours away from Phoenix and convinced us to meet her and her roommates there on Friday night to spend the last glorious day of summer.  It wasn't a hard sell. We stayed on the houseboat for the night and spent the perfect summer day surfing and George boarding and exploring Navajo canyon.  It was so fun for Tony and I to watch Eliza's kindness and competency.  She is truly an emotionally healthy human with healthy normal attachment and we are both amazed and filled by just being around her.  We loved watching the patient and skilled way she taught her roommates to surf.  The girls were all great sports and even without total success, they all tried!  

We had planned to take the boys with us.  They had both agreed to go and then, as per usual, sabatoged our family event by refusing to go.  It's the pattern that Wilson set many years ago. Sam was weeping and swearing and Max just locked himself in the bedroom.  It is a most confusing, disconcerting feeling to offer your kids a gift, a night on lake powell in a houseboat with all the good food I could think of, and have them reject it with so much anger and venom.  Their reaction is such evidence of disrupted attachment, because any other kid on the planet would have loved a day on the lake.  

We've cancelled Max's phone, which is like taking away an alcoholic's beer, so he is desperate and panicked.  Sam has also lost media privilege, temporarilly, because he had a great day of connection with Grandma and Grandpa and us when we got home.  

It's been a year since Max was in the wilderness program.  He follows the rules and is mildly respectful at home and at school, but there has been no change in his ability to form healthy relationships.  Every relationship he has is superficial and 100% self-centered.  He gives nothing, unless it's with a motivation to get something.  We can't force healthy attachment, but we can stop funding unhealthy attachment vices, like the phone.  It isn't pretty.

Last Monday Wilson attended counseling with Tony and I.  He is doing pretty well right now.  His job at Three Point Center for attachment-challenged adopted kids is a miracle beyond words.  He has true empathy for them, is gaining perspective and insight for the parents, and even attends counseling with the students he oversees.  In the session Wilson expressed the overwhelming shame that he's felt for most of his life. He talked about how hard it has been to be a constant disappointment to his parents.  He expressed regrets that he couldn't be the big brother that set an example for his younger siblings and even suggested that he was responsible for them not staying in the church and going on missions.  He talked about how hurtful it is when Cooper calls him stupid and the horror he felt after slapping Eliza.  We had to share hard things about how his siblings are afraid of him.  He asked us to begin trusting him, and we are anxious to, but we also have to respect the boundaries that his siblings set.  It was really healing and I'm so grateful that he went and that we have Tiffany to help be a "place of safety" for us to heal.  

Yesterday I received a gift from my Heavenly Parents.  I lay on a beach that they had created with a stunning blue sky, perfect temperature of sun rays warming my skin.  The sand was soft and the sound of waves was utterly soothing.  There was no wind, no bugs nothing uncomfortable.  I lay there feeling loved for a long time.  I think that gift was given to me so I can return to that place when things get hard here.  

Happy Birthday to Me!

 I'm 49.  Feels good.  I invited several friends on a hike in Kannaraville.  It was heavenly.  I met a new girl in the ward who is the oldest of 4 brothers and we totally hit it off.  My friend Shannon took me to lunch and shopping in Cedar City and we had a wonderful time talking and the most delicious pizza and salad.  That afternoon I went thrift store shopping with mom and Dad, Cooper and Jes sent me flowers, Eliza called, Wilson texted and Tony got Mad Pita for dinner.  He even sacrificed a BYU game to take me to a terrible play  called "The Man with Pointed Toes."  We enjoyed lots of birthday pumpkin pie and neighbors and friends remembered me all weekend.  I love birthdays.  It's so delightful to still be alive and compared to the trauma of last year's birthday, it was a great weekend overall.  

Lake Powell

 I fought.  I complained.  I rejected.  I acquiesced.   This week I totally acknowledge that I was wrong and was being stupid.   Lake Powell is a magical wonderful place.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that we are half-week owners of the Imperial Sunrise houseboat on Lake Powell.  I hope we can buy a second week, and a third.

I loved that Tony was really excited about it and was as into the preparations as I was.  This is new for us, getting ready for vacations together, and I like it.  Sunday was one of my favorite days.  We had church, loaded the food, then listened to conference talks together totally unstressed and calm all the way to Powell.  Then we unloaded the food, and made beds before heading to meet everyone at Horseshoe bend.  The houseboat is so functional and cozy.  

The Rippy's all boarded the houseboat and gave us tons of approbation.  After getting settled, Dad hosted a fireside and shared his conference synopsis' with us.  We laughed and talked and played games and finally snuggled in for the night.  On Monday morning we set sail!  The pilot got us out of the marina and handed the wheel over without a second thought.  It was harrowing and Tony had lots of stress tethering the boat to the back, driving and figuring out the engines and generator.  We found a beach to dock and anchored up and then spent the day surfing and swimming.  That night we grilled steaks and baked potatoes to celebrate the actual 50th anniversary then all went on top deck to watch the stars,  We went around the circle and shared what about Mom and Dad's marriage we admire.  It was pretty tender and Mom shared how much she trusts and admires Dad.  There was a lot of laughing that night.  Tony was truly exhausted and stressed and had a night of high anxiety including some regret for the houseboat purchase.  Thankfully by Tuesday morning and a good sleep he was back to himself and enjoying the beauty, feeling a little more confident.  

On Tuesday we did yoga with Chelsea, then had breakfast and loaded into the boat to go explore Navajo canyon.  The very bravest among us, Tony, Cameron, and Stacey floated in their bumfloat's into a slot canyon.  Cameron got cut up by the mussels (STD of the lake) and Stacey fell off the boat once, but other than that we were safe.  Everyone loved the amazing canyons and we all continue to be stunned at the beauty.   The boat was acting up which gave us a little stress but Cameron and Tony got it figured out.  The Red Thai curry was a big hit that night.  We played codenames late into the night and laughed so hard pee came out.  On Wednesday we made Dad's delicious tostadas, pulled up anchor, sailed back down the channel and then reanchored at a beach just across from Wahweap.  It was so hard to say goodbye to my brothers and their beautiful wives.  There wasn't one time I didn't feel total love and gratitude to have my siblings.  I loved watching Kimberly remember her many childhood vacations on lake Powell.  I loved watching Jill run on the beach.  I love watching my brothers go down the slide.  I loved doing watching Chelsea dance in the kitchen.  I loved Stacey willing to try anything.  I especially love watching my parents enjoy the fruit of their labor.  I loved watching all the boys trying to figure out how to start the generator.  Cameron pushing buttons, Jeff reading the manual, Tyler cracking jokes, Dustin doing the heavy lifting.  

Thankfully, the fun wasn't over.  After a harrowing experience of pulling the boat out, filling the boat and gas cans, hitting a trailer, scaring Tony to death with my extended absence, we got a lovely evening all by ourselves on the houseboat.  We made good use of it :)  By 9:00 it was time to pick up Brad, Kim, Jeff and Betsy.  It was so fun to see their excitement about the houseboat they half own!  At midnight Tony and I took our flashlights and crossed the dark lake again to pick up Jason and Andrea.  None of us got much sleep that night because we were all so excited.  In the morning we embarked back across the cut.  The funniest moment was nearly running into  houseboat playing chicken with us on the right side of the channel.  We started joking about them being from the UK and when we got up close enough to talk to them, we discovered by their accents they were indeed from the UK and were driving on the wrong side of the street! After a lovely ride down the channel, we found a perfect place to dock at the end of a bay with total seclusion and sheer rock walls.  We floated in our bumfloat's and swam and surfed. We grilled brats and and apples talked about everything and caught up with Brad and Kim's amazing adventures.  We were all so tired from our late night we were asleep by 10:00 and slept like the dead.  Happily after a yummy breakfast we had a great day ahead of us.  We all lounged on the deck in the sun and read scriptures and shared our deepest thoughts and experiences.  Finally we got our lazy bones into the boat and went searching for EBB.  The waves and wind were terrible but we finally found our beloved bay.  The guys all bumfloated for a while then we found a beach to munch our mostly bacon sandwiches (I forgot the lettuce!)   We headed back across the bumpy waves and settled in for delicious Indian butter chicken and coconut rice.  Somehow Andrea figured out how to make caramel corn and we ravenously ate it and laughed our heads off playing codenames again.  On Saturday we ate breakfast, pulled anchor, cleaned up and got Andrea and Jason back to shore in time for their flight.  Then we met the pilot, gassed up, finished filling the boat with water, and loaded our stuff onto the boat.  It was finally time to say goodbye to an incredible week of family and friends.  

I am a Washington skier and love trees and green.  But I am now a lake Powell girl and can truly enjoy the beauty of the canyons and rocks.  I loved going in October.  I'm so thankful for a husband that dreams big.  

Lopes Up

 Last week I took my third kid to college.  It was the most pleasant one yet.  Eliza and I packed her car full of makeup and clothes and headed to Phoenix.  GPS took us on a goosechase and we ended up with the truckers int he middle of the desert.  We kept ourselves awake by singing at full volume, eating candy and blasting cold air.  We limped into Phoenix about midnight and collapsed into our blessed hotel beds.  Eliza was a ball of nerves, but we arrived at 9:45 sharp and immediately got lost.  We walked all over campus with suitcases and backpacks until we found her dorm.  The other roommates were asleep or in class so we got busy setting up her room.  Just like my freshman year, Eliza's roommate had embraced the idea that the first one in gets the most closet space and best bed set up, so we rearranged a bit to make room.  Happily, I didn't problem solve, but let Eliza practice her self advocacy skills.  Once we got her room setup we went for a burrito (lots of happy memories there) and to do a final Target run.  We checked out where the church was, bought some GCU swag and then it was time for me to go.  We had dinner together at Olive Garden, because it is Eliza's favorite then she dropped me off at the airport.  

A couple of things stand out to me.  First, I am really blessed to have such a beautiful, capable daughter who is sweet and kind and empathetic.  Second, I have no idea what her conversion is to Jesus Christ and I will be curious to see how it emerges.   It will likely not look like mine, and I'm getting better being curious and trusting.  

Whew

 August and September have flown by.  It's been marked by a few highlights.  

Henry's birthday party and Oliver's blessing:  I rode the shuttle up to Provo a day early to spend time with Betsy in preparation for her move.  It was an emotional experience going through James' things one last time.  It made me miss him and feel so hopeful for ho Heavenly Father works things out with mental illness.  It was especially fun to see Jeff and Betsy's new house coming together.  

Max's football games:  Max has chosen to disconnect from everything family related or school related, with the exception of football.  He's tried really hard to stay involved and has played in a a few games.  We are glad to have him connected to anything.  

Eliza home and starting school:  It has been a total ray of sunshine to have Eliza home this month.  We've been thrift store shopping, she's planned and cooked meals, and had our butts out running every morning at 6:00am.  She started school after labor day and we leave on Tuesday to move her in!

Amy's visit:  I loved having Amy come for a visit.  Her amazing gifts are like healing balm to every member of our family.  We finished a mini triathalon on Labor day together including a run, a swim and a bike ride.  On Sunday we went hiking at our favorite spot in Kannaraville and even got to hike in the dark with the beautiful moon.  One of the most powerful things that Amy said during one of our good talks helped me to define a new goal.  She said that she longs for a daughter so she can provide every need for her that wasn't filled in her own childhood.  Then she stopped and realized that her future daughter won't have the same needs she has.  She identified that the best we things we do for our children is to not require them to fill our emotional needs.  I am totally inspired by this.  

Jake, Callie and the boys come:  To celebrate Jake's 30th birthday, we babysat the boys while Jake and Callie went hiking in Zion.  We had so much fun snuggling Oliver and Henry and enjoying their pure love and joy.  Callie introduced us to some amazing breakfast shakes and powerballs.

Grandparent's Day.  Tony smoked a turkey and we enjoyed a lovely dinner with our grandparents.  Might be a new St George annual tradition.  

Powell Miracle:  Yesterday we had a miracle.  We were supposed to meet all the owners at Lake Powell to learn to drive the houseboat.  Eliza was excited to go.  Sam was excited to go.  Tony and I were ready for a ski.  At the last minute Sam backed out and it really hurt my feelings to have neither of the boys .  When we arrived at Wahweap we stopped to get gas and Eliza noticed that the tire was a funny color.  Tony touched the hub and it was burning hot.  We were in deep peril of the hub seizing and possibly breaking the axel up if we went any further.  We unhitched the boat and started making calls for a repairman.  Of course on a late Saturday, there was no one available except for some guy named Doug in Big Water that said we could bring the boat and tire to him.  It was our only choice.  We unhitched the boat and went to explore the houseboat.  We are pretty excited about it.  It's a floating lake cabin and is going to be so much fun.  It had a slide!  After exploring the houseboat we went back, removed the tire and drove ginergly to Big Water.  As we reflected, we were so grateful the tires didn't seize up.  So thankful we made it all the way to Wahweap.  So thankful this happened this weekend instead of in October.  We didn't get to ski, or even get in the water, but we were so glad only to have been with happy Eliza and no angry teenage boys!

Spiritually defining moments

I composed a lesson today challenging all the Relief Society sisters to record a spiritually defining moment.  I want to accept my own challenge.  It has caused some reflection, because typically I enjoy a gift of faith that is inherent and innate.  It’s like the sun rising, more than a lightbulb turning on.  I don’t remember ever not having a knowledge of a God, a belief in the Savior, or an understanding of priesthood power.  

My spiritually defining moments have been time of personal revelation when communication with my Heavenly Parents was easy.  Not the acting part, which is always challenging.  Just the part where I know with surety that God has told me something and that something is true.  It’s so true that it can coexist with doubts, unexpected results, and intense criticism from others.

My paramount experience, the first time I experienced perfect clarity, was when I asked about marrying Tony.  The communication was clear because all other options disappeared and there was only one choice.  It wasn’t even a choice I wanted, but it was the only one. 

Once I was taught about temple symbolism from a story in the Old Testament in such a profound way that every time I think about it I get chills.   

I have had several, instances of insight, when I identify my own unhealthy behaviors and beliefs.  The correction comes from friends or therapists, but the realization of truth that pierces my heart and soul comes from the spirit.  This process of repentance, where I can do better because now I know better, is a spiritually defining experience for me.  Repentance connects me to Heaven. 

Blind Irony

Grandma and Grandpa Rippy were both blind.  Uncle Bob, Aunt Clara and Uncle Ray are all visually impaired as a result of macular degeneration.  Dad was the last holdout-until this week.  In Washington Dad went on a bike ride with Lane and when they got to the top of the hill, he passed out, twice. Scared Lane half to death.  Tony encouraged him to go immediately to the hospital, but Dad declined.  All was normal until about half an hour after getting home to St George from their trip to WA when Dad realized he couldn't see half of his face.  This time, Tony was very insistent about getting evaluated in the ER and they went in.  A CT scan showed an ischemic stroke, so again at Tony's recommendation Dad did the mega blood thinning treatment.  It was a bit of a risky procedure, but had the most potential for restoring his sight.  The next day, he had a complication from the procedure and had a small bleed.  He ended up staying in the ICU for three nights.  Because of COVID, even Mom couldn't go see him, and we couldn't go give him a blessing.  Thankfully, one of the perks of UT is that the OT and PT were able to do it. :)

This incident brought several things into clarity.  First I'm really glad we are here in St George to help our parents in these last years, especially Tony's medical help.  It was comforting for Mom to be able to ask questions and get immediate explanations with someone she trusts.  Also, Dad and Mom have some work to do to prepare for these kind of situations and we really need to have conversations about caregiving.  Also, we have the most amazing support network.  Andrea and Betsy sent to tulips to both Mom and I and the symbol of that support over the last 20 years was the biggest comfort.  Lastly, I'm not ready for my parents to die.  I doubt I ever will be.  

Happy Birthday Max

 Dear Maxwell,

It's your 16 birthday.  I feel relief that we have made it this far.  I feel anxiety about your next two years.  I feel so hopeful about your potential.  I tried really hard to find the balance between too much birthday attention (which you don't like) and too little birthday attention (which hurts your feelings).  I can only imagine how hard it is to have your birthday coincide with the first day of school.  All the anxiety and stress of a new school year probably takes a lot of the fun out of a birthday.  I hope you felt our love despite the busy time.

On our way home from Washington I let you know that as of August 12, 2020, you have fulfilled your family obligations.  You are no longer required to be at family vacation, family prayer or family scripture study, or even family dinner. Max, I don't want to be a Simp parent anymore.  I don't want to give you any additional messages of incompetence.  My desperate efforts for connection and attachment must be stifling and scary.  I apologize for over functioning and I'm ready to do better.  

I have confidence that as I give you more space, more responsibility and less oversight, you will choose to work on our relationship.  I know it will take time, but you will choose to have a Mom.  I am privileged to be that person.  You are so beautiful.  When you are happy, you light up a room.  I am proud of the person you are becoming and believe that your purpose on this earth and in this family is significant.  I've always known you were mine, before you were even born.  I love you with all my heart.  

Love, Mom

Happy Birthday Wilson

 Dear Wilson,

Happy 24th Birthday.  Your birthday is always a time for me to remember the joy of your first birthday.  You were so beautiful.  We made raspberry shortcakes and Grandma and Grandpa Chocolate made you swing to hang in the tree.  You were so happy.  My greatest dream for you is to find that happy again.  You have experienced a lot of things this year that have stretched you.  As usual, you learn things the hard way, and that is totally OK.  Your path to the Savior looks a lot different than mine, but I am confident God knows exactly where you are.  I look forward to continued healing and relationship repairing within our family as we access the power of the Savior’s atonement.  I love you.  I learn from you.  I am always here for you.

Love, Mom

CSC 2020

 The 10th annual CSC, as we always say, was our best year yet.  After much deliberation and even praying and fasting on Mom and Dad’s part, we decided not to cancel or reschedule our family reunion, despite covid risk.  However because of COVID we couldn’t use the kitchen or fridges and because of the burn ban, we couldn’t have fires.  The mosquitos and bees made things a little less comfortable, but our temperatures and water couldn’t have been more perfect.  We all arrived on Monday night and set up camp.  Dustin and Kimberly were heroes and helped Mom and Dad bring a trailer.  The trailer was a lot more comfortable for Mom and closer to the bathrooms.  They also helped set up our makeshift kitchen which included a lot of coolers, camp stoves and bins.  

Cameron and Jill got a new boat this year, Cotton Candy Unicorn Barbie boat in fabulous pink and purple.  Jeff and Stacey brought two SUPs and we brought the George Board.  Plenty of toys to keep us entertained.  On Tuesday Tony and I swam the river and paddle-boarded back.  It was a challenge this year because the cold water made me dizzy.  Jill couldn’t join me because of an ear infection, so I was glad to be with Tony.  We had a lot of crafts this year, tie dyed socks, resin crafts, glow in the dark sand.

Tyler and Chelsea really outdid themselves commemorating the 10th anniversary.  The opening ceremony, and “campfires” were perfect to emphasize T-tradition, E-everyone, N-no one left behind.  Chelsea had us stand in a circle and hold hands.  When we were all connected, we could light an energy bar.  If someone let go, we could still put our hand on them and keep the connection.  It was a great object lesson.  Tyler and Chelsea also put together a CSC trivia game that reminded us of all our great memories like, banana bread, camp barf-a-lot, and speedo trauma.  Everyones favorite was the t-shirt and photo books.  

The frisbee games were intense this year.  Tony loved them.  We were glad we brought the boys bikes because they had fun riding with their cousins.  I think fewer tadpoles died than in previous years, although they were still a tremendous source of entertainment.  We also got to meet Corbin’s girlfriend who has magically transformed him into a very enjoyable teenager.  We will enjoy it while it lasts!

Coop and Jes joined us on Tuesday night after work and were treated like royalty.  It was fun to have them all day Wednesday.  Jes connected with Eliza, Kate and Addy and Cooper played like he did when he was 10, including ignoring his mom about sunscreen and getting fried.  He was also very patient with the teenagers and only lost it in the final hour with Max and Kimball. 

Our food this year was amazing.  Kimberly made bressert crepes with chocolate pudding, nutella, whip cream and my favorite, lemon curd.  Our gourmet pizzas were a hit, tikka pizza and spicy buffalo.  The ice cream bars melted, so we won’t do that again. Jeff and Stacey made chili cheese fries that were amazing and then we fried the leftover crepes!  So good.

Tyler and Chelsea made J Dawgs with all the fixings.  Cam and Jill did delicious walking tacos and I made Mexican street corn.  

There was a lot of laughing, a lot of good discussion and lots of memories.  It was by far, my most relaxing CSC ever.  I even remembered flannel sheets and we slept like babies.  It is the most beautiful place for me.  

After CSC we spent a few days at Carpe Skiem.  The weather wasn’t that great so we sat and talked and ate great food.  Mom and Dad and the Porters joined us on Saturday.  Tony was in heaven playing game after game of Cornhole, Skull King and Pickleball.  Tony and I went for run/walk on Saturday and ended up doing an 11 mile loop.  Max had apparently used up all his connection energy at CSC and spent two full days in the basement.  I felt sad, but am getting better at not needing to control him.  Sam spent some good time with Jack. 

We are headed home now to face school starting.  I’m so thankful to have a houseboat vacay to look forward to with my family and our covenant friends.  I’m so thankful that we were able to have these traditions this year to ground us during the uncertain times.  It was the perfect protest.  We are meant to gather.  

Lake Powell Adventure

We have truly embraced Southern Utah now!  We have had a Powell Adventure and it was awesome. Tony did a great job finding us a close VRBO and thoroughly preparing everything we would need.  We had canopies to block the sun, racks for the surfboards and quick dry towels.  It was especially fun to have Brad and Kim because they have tons of Lake Powell experience.  And Bum Floats, which were key to our fun.

4th of July

Like all holidays this year, we have to grieve lost traditions and connections and celebrate new ones.  This process results in a very bittersweet experience.  One of the things that helped our first 4th of July in St George be less sad, was that Kaleb come up from San Diego.  He was an easy guest to have around and provided a good distraction for us.  We attempted to take the boat to Sand Hollow, but found the squalls of waves, overcrowding of boats and utter chaos to make the experience a little less enjoyable.  Tony, Kaleb and Sam went mountain biking and Tony and Kaleb had a good time playing pickleball.  It was fun to BBQ and introduce Kaleb to Popeye's; Tony continues to convert guests to the spicy chicken sandwich.  Kaleb even bought and lit fireworks.  It was all fun and games until we watched fires start near homes on both sides of us. Max had a campout with friends, but said it was just too hot to sleep.  Sam helped take down the neighborhood flags.  We had hoped everyone would join us for the festival in Kanab, but it ended up just being Tony and I.  It was a beautiful drive through Arizona to Kanab and then back through Zion.

This is also a different 4th of July because both Tony and I are wrestling with the injustices and inequalities that have really been brought to the world's attention.  We are struggling to reconcile the racism in our church, community and family.  This holiday felt very introspective and I was equal parts ashamed and proud to be American.  We are fasting today with the purpose of understanding our individual responsibility to be anti-racist.  It has been a time of discomfort and introspection and I hope the answers come.

Dad, Sam and I at Aspiration Point, a fun hike in St George.

ballin with Bub

Tony and I driving to Kanab and Zion