Dear Samuel,
You have officially ended childhood for our family as you turn thirteen today. You have been a wonderful way to end. Of all the kids, you have faced this move with amazing alacrity and strength. You have made good friends, reached out to others, and remained strong in your sense of self. You are confident in your basketball skills although they may be tested and tried in the upcoming years. You seem to have figured out how too do well in school and are enjoying freedom from a nagging mom. You are increasingly handsome even with your teenager braces on. Dad and I love to watch you take your priesthood responsibilities seriously as you pass the sacrament. You have a good sense of style and like affirmation from Eliza or Mom on your "outfit." We are all very sad not to have Max here on your birthday. You exspecially miss your big brother. I'm so grateful to be raising an independent, confident boy. You came to me the other day and asked what percent chance that you were actually related to Samuel the Lamanite. I think it is a high percentage based on your courage. I think you have Samuel's courageous genes. I love you so much.
Sunday, December 1, 2019
Thanksgiving
This was thanksgiving week, quite possibly my favorite week of the year. This week evokes so many mixed emotions of joy and sadness, hurt and healing. It's been this way for the last 20 years that we have had Thanksgiving with the Blughesworths. Of all the gifts God has given me, I have probably thanked him the most for the friends that have joined us on our wild ride.
It was very, very sad for all of us not to have Max this year. It was especially heartbreaking because we had rain, snow and very cold temperatures. Max has hopefully hit rock bottom. He has stopped being compliant, is angry and won't participate. The counselor has suggested we not get discouraged and that this may be the beginning of a turn around. We are becoming more aware of how manipulated and controlled we have been by Max (and our other kids) and are determined to work hard while he is gone to reestablish ourselves as safe, reliable parents. We want him home, but we mostly want him to be well.
Cooper spent Thanksgiving with Jess and his birth family in San Diego. He was missed, but it was a wonderful opportunity for him to make connections with Jackie and Fahd.
Everyone arrived late on Tuesday night so we gave them the house tour (3 minutes including the central vacuum show). The kids all went to the rental and adults slept at our house. So fun!
Wednesday we went to the gym to exercise then Betsy and I braved Costco, grocery store and Kneaders pies. Andrea showed extreme self-control and worked on her 44 page paper. She is almost done and we are all so proud of her. The kids played pickle ball, video games and watched Star Wars shows, just like old times. We were surprised and pleased that Wilson joined us for all the festivities. He was at his best, wrestling with Jack, laughing with the college kids and teasing the adults. It is sometimes easy in those moments to get lulled into a tremendous sense of hope. That night we had the hungry pilgrim feast then went to the rental house to watch Oh Brother Where Are't Thou. As soon as we got home Tony put the turkey in the smoker and then got up several times during the night to check it. He was really stressed about making the perfect turkey and all his attention to detail paid off. Eli was able to join us after work on Wednesday and gave us the good news about his new job in Hartford, CT
Thursday morning the kids were at the rental playing games and Savannah, Brooklyn and the Lemon Sisters puttered around getting the dinner ready and arranging the shelves. Savannah has a good eye:). I loved being able to host the dinner at my house and the chance too pull out my beloved china. Everything this year was perfect, from the turkey to the rolls to the cranberry sauce. I give most of the credit to Brooklyn, because she is a bona fide chef. That night we went to see a movie, Ford vs Ferrari which wasn't that great, but the popcorn is always good. We forgot Samuel asleep in his bed, and the traffic was terrible, so this stressed me out. It was much more fun to go home and play games.
On Friday Tony had to go to work :(. It was pouring rain so we postponed our hike and spent the day going to the gym, playing pickle ball and tons of video games! That afternoon most of us went to a pottery studio and painted pottery. It was fun to create together and we had lots of good talking and laughing time. Friday we went back to the rental and played Jackbox (hilarious) and Screwy Louis until the wee hours.
Saturday the sun came out. We had a pickle ball tournament at the park, grabbed lunch and then went to Red Canyon for a hike. It was the same hike we had done two weeks earlier with the Rippys but this time there was water! Tony fell trying to cross the rock, got a black eye and lost his glasses.
Jonah even went on a retrieval drive in the freezing cold water.
Sadly, Wilson was unable to join us because he got triggered by Eliza eating potato chip and slapped her across the face. He held it together a long time, but now he can't come into the house if Eliza is home. Later that night he called to join us and Tony had to tell him he couldn't come. It was a horrible phone call for Tony with Wilson saying he didn't want Tony for a Dad. Just 10 minutes later, Cooper called. It started as a good report on his trip but suddenly turned into a terrible personal attack on us as parents for putting Max in the wilderness for "looking at a little porn." It was so painful for Tony and a disappointing ending to a great weekend. We know the boys are speaking from pain and in an effort to be reassured, but it sure requires every ounce of faith and control to continue to go back for more emotional beatings
Everyone left early this morning and the post Blughesworth depression set in. So grateful for this time to connect and prepare to do more hard things.
It was very, very sad for all of us not to have Max this year. It was especially heartbreaking because we had rain, snow and very cold temperatures. Max has hopefully hit rock bottom. He has stopped being compliant, is angry and won't participate. The counselor has suggested we not get discouraged and that this may be the beginning of a turn around. We are becoming more aware of how manipulated and controlled we have been by Max (and our other kids) and are determined to work hard while he is gone to reestablish ourselves as safe, reliable parents. We want him home, but we mostly want him to be well.
Cooper spent Thanksgiving with Jess and his birth family in San Diego. He was missed, but it was a wonderful opportunity for him to make connections with Jackie and Fahd.
Everyone arrived late on Tuesday night so we gave them the house tour (3 minutes including the central vacuum show). The kids all went to the rental and adults slept at our house. So fun!
Wednesday we went to the gym to exercise then Betsy and I braved Costco, grocery store and Kneaders pies. Andrea showed extreme self-control and worked on her 44 page paper. She is almost done and we are all so proud of her. The kids played pickle ball, video games and watched Star Wars shows, just like old times. We were surprised and pleased that Wilson joined us for all the festivities. He was at his best, wrestling with Jack, laughing with the college kids and teasing the adults. It is sometimes easy in those moments to get lulled into a tremendous sense of hope. That night we had the hungry pilgrim feast then went to the rental house to watch Oh Brother Where Are't Thou. As soon as we got home Tony put the turkey in the smoker and then got up several times during the night to check it. He was really stressed about making the perfect turkey and all his attention to detail paid off. Eli was able to join us after work on Wednesday and gave us the good news about his new job in Hartford, CT
Thursday morning the kids were at the rental playing games and Savannah, Brooklyn and the Lemon Sisters puttered around getting the dinner ready and arranging the shelves. Savannah has a good eye:). I loved being able to host the dinner at my house and the chance too pull out my beloved china. Everything this year was perfect, from the turkey to the rolls to the cranberry sauce. I give most of the credit to Brooklyn, because she is a bona fide chef. That night we went to see a movie, Ford vs Ferrari which wasn't that great, but the popcorn is always good. We forgot Samuel asleep in his bed, and the traffic was terrible, so this stressed me out. It was much more fun to go home and play games.
On Friday Tony had to go to work :(. It was pouring rain so we postponed our hike and spent the day going to the gym, playing pickle ball and tons of video games! That afternoon most of us went to a pottery studio and painted pottery. It was fun to create together and we had lots of good talking and laughing time. Friday we went back to the rental and played Jackbox (hilarious) and Screwy Louis until the wee hours.
Saturday the sun came out. We had a pickle ball tournament at the park, grabbed lunch and then went to Red Canyon for a hike. It was the same hike we had done two weeks earlier with the Rippys but this time there was water! Tony fell trying to cross the rock, got a black eye and lost his glasses.
Jonah even went on a retrieval drive in the freezing cold water.
Sadly, Wilson was unable to join us because he got triggered by Eliza eating potato chip and slapped her across the face. He held it together a long time, but now he can't come into the house if Eliza is home. Later that night he called to join us and Tony had to tell him he couldn't come. It was a horrible phone call for Tony with Wilson saying he didn't want Tony for a Dad. Just 10 minutes later, Cooper called. It started as a good report on his trip but suddenly turned into a terrible personal attack on us as parents for putting Max in the wilderness for "looking at a little porn." It was so painful for Tony and a disappointing ending to a great weekend. We know the boys are speaking from pain and in an effort to be reassured, but it sure requires every ounce of faith and control to continue to go back for more emotional beatings
Sunday, October 27, 2019
hardest trial yet
I could never have imagined the hard that we have faced here in St George. The whole experience is still surreal and excrutiating.
Max has been hustling for friends since the first day we arrived. It has been a full time job. He has used every ounce of emotional energy to connect with friends so that he can feel an identity and feel approval. Unfortunately, Max was drawn to the lowest common denominator. Of the 800 kids at the High School, Max found a friend names Joe who would give him the approval he craved, for a cost. Two weeks ago, we were called to the police station where we were told that Max and several friends were being investigated for the sexual assault of a vulnerable young girl. There was an inappropriate video being passed around, a result of clear exposure to hard core pornography. It was especially disconcerting to know that some of the bad things happened here in our home, with us present. We felt violated and betrayed.
Several days later the police arrived to deliver a restraining order, which meant that Max could no longer attend his high school. We immediately hired an attorney and the four of us faced the judge on Thursday afternoon. The stress and burden for Max was beyond overwhelming.
Maxwell has been angry and withdrawn, and it came to a head on Sunday. Max went into a rage that was really scary. He yelled, destroyed property, and punched a hole in the wall. Finally Tony locked him in the garage. He hammered on the door for what seemed like forever, and we had to decide between calling the police and calling the Bishop. Our Bishop is a big man, who is adopted, and he was clearly the inspired choice. He got Max settled down for a little, but the rage returned with a vengeance and he shoved Tony over backward off the barstool. Now Tony was livid. I grabbed him by the shirt, buttons popping off everywhere, and commanded him to the bedroom. Amazingly Tony complied. I followed Max around for a little while and kept repeating in the calmest voice I had, "this isn't how you get what you want." Around 11:00 I told Max I was going to bed, went into the bedroom, and locked the door. He raged his last anger then finally crumpled to the floor and sobbed. I got him into bed and scratched his back for about an hour. I assured him that we would do everything we could to help him and that this experience would be hard, but would not end his life. He said he wanted to end it all, but when I asked if he had a suicide plan, he said he didn't.
On Friday I lay on my bed to read my scriptures and had a clear prompting to get ahold of Robin, Denise Larsen's sister, and director of the StarGuides Wilderness program for the last 30 years. I called to see if I could set up outpatient counseling, but what she said made me stop in my tracks. She said, "You are in over your heads." She went on to explain that we could do outpatient therapy, but it was very likely that Max would continue on the same trajectory. What we needed was a disruption, and a way for him to learn coping skills. She suggested her 100 day program. With no option for school, and motivated by a deep desire to keep Max out of juvenile detention, we decided to proceed with the program.
We were scheduled to take him to his appointment on Monday at 4:30. It was the longest day of my life. I'm so thankful to Betsy for coming to be with me. We couldn't tell him anything, except that he was going for an assessment. We stood in the waiting room briefly and I gave him a quick, weird, sidehug, and that was it. We will not see him for 100 days. Not for Thanksgiving, or Christmas. I haven't cried like that ever. I could feel my heart breaking. I was really thankful that Andrea had insisted that Tony be there. We were able to experience that pain together, then go immediately to the counselor to process the experience. It was powerful to break our cycle of Tony not being present for the hard stuff.
We came home and put the boat and pick up on Craigs list to sell. Finding 40,000 was the other painful part. Heavenly Father has decided to give us a gift in that area. Somehow we have 20,000 dollars that we had earmarked for insurance that appears to be left over. We can't figure out how. We can't even find the record that the money has been paid, but the company insists that they have. This is a miracle, and has brought me a lot of peace and relief.
We will start meeting with the therapist this week. She said Max is confused and doesn't understand why he is there. I don't even know what I would say to him. We need Max to be able to be less dependent on external approval. He can't live life being willing to do "Anything to Fit In" He has to be able to know his identity and form healthy connections with healthy people and especially his family. I know we have a long path ahead of us and that this Wilderness experience won't solve everything, but we need to disrupt something and change his trajectory. The words, "there is no other way" have been the ones most often echoing in my head.
We've been finding solace in the temple and this weekend Jeff, Betsy, Kim and Brad came to the rescue. It was so great to play, and laugh and enjoy being with them. The caliber of people God has surrounded us with is one of our greatest blessings. Our parents have been a tremendous support and we have felt buoyed up by evidences of God's hand every day. Eliza spent the weekend with Callie and Amy and Jake, another healing place.
I miss Max. I feel gypped of three months of being his Mom. I love him so much.
I've had a week now to explore regret, remorse, anger, fear, and relief. I am overwhelmed thinking about how we should have done this for Wilson. I know we have to do something to prevent Max from inflicting damage on Marcos. It is such a tremendous mishmash of emotions. I want so badly for this experience to bring me closer to the Savior, but I can't believe how grief dulls the ability to feel the spirit. I feel like I'm just going through the emotions, except at the temple, where I feel relief.
Max has been hustling for friends since the first day we arrived. It has been a full time job. He has used every ounce of emotional energy to connect with friends so that he can feel an identity and feel approval. Unfortunately, Max was drawn to the lowest common denominator. Of the 800 kids at the High School, Max found a friend names Joe who would give him the approval he craved, for a cost. Two weeks ago, we were called to the police station where we were told that Max and several friends were being investigated for the sexual assault of a vulnerable young girl. There was an inappropriate video being passed around, a result of clear exposure to hard core pornography. It was especially disconcerting to know that some of the bad things happened here in our home, with us present. We felt violated and betrayed.
Several days later the police arrived to deliver a restraining order, which meant that Max could no longer attend his high school. We immediately hired an attorney and the four of us faced the judge on Thursday afternoon. The stress and burden for Max was beyond overwhelming.
Maxwell has been angry and withdrawn, and it came to a head on Sunday. Max went into a rage that was really scary. He yelled, destroyed property, and punched a hole in the wall. Finally Tony locked him in the garage. He hammered on the door for what seemed like forever, and we had to decide between calling the police and calling the Bishop. Our Bishop is a big man, who is adopted, and he was clearly the inspired choice. He got Max settled down for a little, but the rage returned with a vengeance and he shoved Tony over backward off the barstool. Now Tony was livid. I grabbed him by the shirt, buttons popping off everywhere, and commanded him to the bedroom. Amazingly Tony complied. I followed Max around for a little while and kept repeating in the calmest voice I had, "this isn't how you get what you want." Around 11:00 I told Max I was going to bed, went into the bedroom, and locked the door. He raged his last anger then finally crumpled to the floor and sobbed. I got him into bed and scratched his back for about an hour. I assured him that we would do everything we could to help him and that this experience would be hard, but would not end his life. He said he wanted to end it all, but when I asked if he had a suicide plan, he said he didn't.
On Friday I lay on my bed to read my scriptures and had a clear prompting to get ahold of Robin, Denise Larsen's sister, and director of the StarGuides Wilderness program for the last 30 years. I called to see if I could set up outpatient counseling, but what she said made me stop in my tracks. She said, "You are in over your heads." She went on to explain that we could do outpatient therapy, but it was very likely that Max would continue on the same trajectory. What we needed was a disruption, and a way for him to learn coping skills. She suggested her 100 day program. With no option for school, and motivated by a deep desire to keep Max out of juvenile detention, we decided to proceed with the program.
We were scheduled to take him to his appointment on Monday at 4:30. It was the longest day of my life. I'm so thankful to Betsy for coming to be with me. We couldn't tell him anything, except that he was going for an assessment. We stood in the waiting room briefly and I gave him a quick, weird, sidehug, and that was it. We will not see him for 100 days. Not for Thanksgiving, or Christmas. I haven't cried like that ever. I could feel my heart breaking. I was really thankful that Andrea had insisted that Tony be there. We were able to experience that pain together, then go immediately to the counselor to process the experience. It was powerful to break our cycle of Tony not being present for the hard stuff.
We came home and put the boat and pick up on Craigs list to sell. Finding 40,000 was the other painful part. Heavenly Father has decided to give us a gift in that area. Somehow we have 20,000 dollars that we had earmarked for insurance that appears to be left over. We can't figure out how. We can't even find the record that the money has been paid, but the company insists that they have. This is a miracle, and has brought me a lot of peace and relief.
We will start meeting with the therapist this week. She said Max is confused and doesn't understand why he is there. I don't even know what I would say to him. We need Max to be able to be less dependent on external approval. He can't live life being willing to do "Anything to Fit In" He has to be able to know his identity and form healthy connections with healthy people and especially his family. I know we have a long path ahead of us and that this Wilderness experience won't solve everything, but we need to disrupt something and change his trajectory. The words, "there is no other way" have been the ones most often echoing in my head.
We've been finding solace in the temple and this weekend Jeff, Betsy, Kim and Brad came to the rescue. It was so great to play, and laugh and enjoy being with them. The caliber of people God has surrounded us with is one of our greatest blessings. Our parents have been a tremendous support and we have felt buoyed up by evidences of God's hand every day. Eliza spent the weekend with Callie and Amy and Jake, another healing place.
I miss Max. I feel gypped of three months of being his Mom. I love him so much.
I've had a week now to explore regret, remorse, anger, fear, and relief. I am overwhelmed thinking about how we should have done this for Wilson. I know we have to do something to prevent Max from inflicting damage on Marcos. It is such a tremendous mishmash of emotions. I want so badly for this experience to bring me closer to the Savior, but I can't believe how grief dulls the ability to feel the spirit. I feel like I'm just going through the emotions, except at the temple, where I feel relief.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
General Conference
We spent General Conference this year at The Burr Cabin near Strawberry Creek. The trees were stunning as we drove up the canyon. The boys loved riding the four wheelers. Lori and Blake spoiled us with delicious food and our spiritual feast was greater than ever. I love Pres Nelson and know for assurety that he is God's prophet on the earth at this time.
Happy Birthday to me
Fun birthday temple, shopping and lunch date with mom
Croshaws Banana Cream Pie
Happy birthday to me dress
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Evan the miracle
Eliza and I escaped the heat of the desert and headed north this weekend. Eliza hung out with her friend Eden Workman and I was with Amy and Callie. The visit fueled my soul. I was fed by sweet hugs from Henry, amazing pink cookies, late nights with Amy and shopping! A special highlight was attending Evan's farewell. Every missionary is a miracle and I'm so happy to have seen this one up close and personal. Evan did a great job of sharing his conversion story in a vulnerable and open way. It was really nice to see my Mom and Dad enjoy that moment. Always bittersweet, but Im learning to enjoy the bitter and the sweet simultaneously. Pain and peace coexist
The New House
Last night I unpacked the last box! We are officially in the new house. It feels a lot like a poorly furnished VRBO. Most of the time, I don't regret bringing not all of our furniture, because it's just stuff and was a burden anyway. Sometimes however, I feel so lonely and out of sorts I wish had the familiar things I loved to bring me comfort. I miss my St John kitchen the most. It feels like there is no heart in this home.
Work is a true solace. And i like swimming at the rec center. I've met a few people at church, but have not had the opportunity to form connections yet. I just need to be patient.
Wilson is doing really poorly. He made up a story that he has been working at Taco Time and perpetuated it until Dad finally went and the restaurant said they had never heard of him. Still so hard to know what our role is and how best to help him. I just keep going to the temple and turning it over to the Savior.
Eliza is working a lot at the rec center, working out with her personal trainer and is done with school by 11:30 every day. She is excited to go back to St John this weekend to stay with Hannah and see her friends. She is gaining independence, and being forced to do all many of uncomfortable things.
Max's part time job is friends. He is rarely home and when he is has little emotional reserve for anyone in his family. I'm really hoping he finds his groove soon. I had a good talk with one of his teachers the other day. He has an F in her class and spent the first month doing nothing. He was overwhelmed and shut down. She finally spoke with him firmly enough to get his attention and Max started catching up. She called me and said she has seen a marked change, that he isn't hanging around the students who are doing nothing, that he is respectful and that he is really good at this. Max continues to struggle greatly at church. He plays video games on his phone during the sacrament and yells obscenities loud enough for all our new neighbors to hear. It's really hard for all of us at church, but Max seems to feel it the most.
Tony spent the week training on the computers and hating not seeing patients. This is humbling for him. He likes the people he works with however and is looking forward to making connections with the vets.
Marcos is the most socially successful of all of us. He is doing ok in school, holding his own. He continues to have difficulty with his family interactions, being disrespectful to his parents, silly when it is time to be serious and insatiable in his need for attention. We are going to address it in counseling.
We are in a disruptive process here. It is good for us. It's hard, but hard isn't bad, its just hard.
Sunday, August 25, 2019
2 weeks on the surface of the sun
As a particularly special treat, Amy and Audrey came down on Saturday night. It was so fun to see them and to just relax for a night. We ate at Viva Chicken, hiked Dixie rock, toured the temple and visited Wilson. Audrey and Amy make our family feel safe, like you can't do or say the wrong thing. I think this is their spiritual gift.
We have made an offer on a house. It is an expensive house, that we hope turns out to be a good investment. It needs blinds, a yard, furniture. I'm trying hard not to get overwhelmed. It's just a house. This will be an opportunity to exercise a lot of faith and trust and stay true to my desire for simplicity. Nothing about the neighborhood says simplicity. Nothing about the entire city of St George says simplicity or minimalism. Except the temple. The temple is my happy place. Especially the cafeteria.
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Happy Birthday Max
Dear Maxwell,
Today you turned 15 and started a new school, in a new city in a new place. This birthday marks an entirely fresh start for you. I can only imagine how hard it is and how much anxiety you must feel. I do know that it kept you from going to church on Sunday, a lost phone privilege, and resulted in some damage to the rental house. The damage will need to be fixed, but it doesn't change how much Dad and I love you and how much potential we see in you. We love watching your personality emerge and how you are asserting your individuality through your sick rap music and drip.
I learned this birthday that Heavenly Father is a way better birthday planner than I am. I really turned everything over to him on the morning of your birthday and then just tried to follow the promptings he gave. Heavenly Father arranged for you to meet two new friends, go play basketball at the rec center, ride scooters all over town and Panda Express at 10:00 at night. You were in heaven. Eliza and Marcos even got you donuts.
I love you so much. I'm proud of you and pray every day that you can see how much God loves you and what great things he has planned for you.
Love, Mom
Today you turned 15 and started a new school, in a new city in a new place. This birthday marks an entirely fresh start for you. I can only imagine how hard it is and how much anxiety you must feel. I do know that it kept you from going to church on Sunday, a lost phone privilege, and resulted in some damage to the rental house. The damage will need to be fixed, but it doesn't change how much Dad and I love you and how much potential we see in you. We love watching your personality emerge and how you are asserting your individuality through your sick rap music and drip.
I learned this birthday that Heavenly Father is a way better birthday planner than I am. I really turned everything over to him on the morning of your birthday and then just tried to follow the promptings he gave. Heavenly Father arranged for you to meet two new friends, go play basketball at the rec center, ride scooters all over town and Panda Express at 10:00 at night. You were in heaven. Eliza and Marcos even got you donuts.
I love you so much. I'm proud of you and pray every day that you can see how much God loves you and what great things he has planned for you.
Love, Mom
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Deliberate disruption
We did it. We uprooted our family after 19 years in St John to move to a place as opposite in landscape, people and stimulus as possible. The reality has not set in, and neither have the emotions. We are just in business mode trying to get everything done to start our new life.
I've felt like the kid at the fair that has been riding her favorite ride and the carnie is telling her to get off and give someone else a turn. Like the kid, I just can't imagine that there are other great rides at the fair. I'm so enamored with the one I was just one. I know we are supposed to do this, but not one cell in my body wants to disrupt everything we worked so hard for.
What makes this move doable is the sure knowledge that Dr Pete and Melissa are coming. The Hello/Goodby party was a great success and everyone fell in love with them. I din't get the house as clean as I'd have liked, but I feel pretty good about what I left them. The thing that made me so happy was that they have the mantle from Pete's childhood home that they would like to install in the living room. It was one of the projects we never got done and I'm so glad they will do it. The town is in good hands with Dr Pete.
It was good to have a full week to pack and prepare. We loaded up on Monday night with the help of Dale and especially Jake and spent Tuesday enjoying our last day. Denise Larsen brought us a picnic dinner which we ate for the last time on our porch and then we loaded in the truck and headed out of town. I cried hard.
We stayed in Missoula that night and were off the next morning for Orem. It was an uneventful trip, thankfully, and we spent a nice evening with Debbie and the kids. On Thursday we arrived in St George a little after 1:00. We went straight to Mom and Dad Rippy's where we unloaded their stuff, then went to our rental house and unloaded our stuff. Then we had a big, greasy burger, fries and a milkshake, which we regretted immediately. On Friday we spent the day unpacking a few things, registering the kids for school, and doing work stuff. That night we had dinner at Uncle Rays and saw Wilson for the first time. It's always hard to see Wilson when he is at the bottom of his cycle, but everyone was on their best behavior. Saturday Tony and I went to Hurricane to buy a car. Tony was totally inspired because it has been a life saver to have.
Sunday we went to church in the rental ward and drove around looking at houses and trying to get inspiration. We knew we would need it in our 4 hours with the realtor on Monday morning. After dropping off the Jetta for a repair, we visited 5 houses. Four were beautiful, big houses. 1 was a smaller house. For investment purposes it has a lot going for it: High ceilings, beautiful finish work, new, giant RV garage, one level, super nice neighborhood. It also has no yard :( We are moving forward in faith. Our choices seem limited because of the school district and I just keep reminding myself that it only has to be for 6 years.
We said goodbye to Tony and he headed to the airport on the shuttle to wrap things up in St John and join us in 3 weeks. We weren't meant to be apart, but I'm so thankful we are both healthy and capable to do this.
I've felt like the kid at the fair that has been riding her favorite ride and the carnie is telling her to get off and give someone else a turn. Like the kid, I just can't imagine that there are other great rides at the fair. I'm so enamored with the one I was just one. I know we are supposed to do this, but not one cell in my body wants to disrupt everything we worked so hard for.
What makes this move doable is the sure knowledge that Dr Pete and Melissa are coming. The Hello/Goodby party was a great success and everyone fell in love with them. I din't get the house as clean as I'd have liked, but I feel pretty good about what I left them. The thing that made me so happy was that they have the mantle from Pete's childhood home that they would like to install in the living room. It was one of the projects we never got done and I'm so glad they will do it. The town is in good hands with Dr Pete.
It was good to have a full week to pack and prepare. We loaded up on Monday night with the help of Dale and especially Jake and spent Tuesday enjoying our last day. Denise Larsen brought us a picnic dinner which we ate for the last time on our porch and then we loaded in the truck and headed out of town. I cried hard.
We stayed in Missoula that night and were off the next morning for Orem. It was an uneventful trip, thankfully, and we spent a nice evening with Debbie and the kids. On Thursday we arrived in St George a little after 1:00. We went straight to Mom and Dad Rippy's where we unloaded their stuff, then went to our rental house and unloaded our stuff. Then we had a big, greasy burger, fries and a milkshake, which we regretted immediately. On Friday we spent the day unpacking a few things, registering the kids for school, and doing work stuff. That night we had dinner at Uncle Rays and saw Wilson for the first time. It's always hard to see Wilson when he is at the bottom of his cycle, but everyone was on their best behavior. Saturday Tony and I went to Hurricane to buy a car. Tony was totally inspired because it has been a life saver to have.
Sunday we went to church in the rental ward and drove around looking at houses and trying to get inspiration. We knew we would need it in our 4 hours with the realtor on Monday morning. After dropping off the Jetta for a repair, we visited 5 houses. Four were beautiful, big houses. 1 was a smaller house. For investment purposes it has a lot going for it: High ceilings, beautiful finish work, new, giant RV garage, one level, super nice neighborhood. It also has no yard :( We are moving forward in faith. Our choices seem limited because of the school district and I just keep reminding myself that it only has to be for 6 years.
We said goodbye to Tony and he headed to the airport on the shuttle to wrap things up in St John and join us in 3 weeks. We weren't meant to be apart, but I'm so thankful we are both healthy and capable to do this.
Monday, July 29, 2019
A Cinderella Story
Last weekend was a magical, Disneyland, fairytale kind of weekend. On Friday Jackie, Cooper's birth Mom and her husband Fahd came to visit. Cooper and Jes came to stay and for a whole weekend two families became one. ALL attention was on Cooper and he ate it up. Jackie and Fahd arrived on Friday night and we had a quick street taco dinner then ran to the lake. It was late so Cooper showed off his ski and surf skills while we enjoyed our beautiful lake together. One more happy memory on Rock Lake to treasure. On Saturday Tony was off to the hospital so we all enjoyed breakfast together then did the big tour around town. The store, the school, the soda fountain, the park. After lunch Coop took them to see Pullman and to the top of Steptoe Butte. Thankfully I was able to make it to the temple to join my family for the bittersweet experience of Evan's endowment. Sweet because Evan is the first missionary in our family (every missionary is a miracle), and bitter because I had hoped my boys would also be receiving that gift. Because Tony wasn't there I was able to stand in the prayer circle with Tyler and all my family. That was a tender moment.
On Sunday morning Jackie and Fahd came to say goodbye. Jackie spent a few minutes with Tony before he left for the hospital and then a few with me before church. Jackie told Tony and I that we had given Cooper everything she had hoped for for him. She didn't mean the house and the boat and the stuff, she meant the relationships with his siblings and with us. Hearing her say those words gave me a feeling of approval like the one I imagine I will feel with Heavenly Father after I die. It's not the feeling of approval from earning or hustling, it's a peaceful feeling that I was enough and that my offering was acceptable.
On Sunday morning Jackie and Fahd came to say goodbye. Jackie spent a few minutes with Tony before he left for the hospital and then a few with me before church. Jackie told Tony and I that we had given Cooper everything she had hoped for for him. She didn't mean the house and the boat and the stuff, she meant the relationships with his siblings and with us. Hearing her say those words gave me a feeling of approval like the one I imagine I will feel with Heavenly Father after I die. It's not the feeling of approval from earning or hustling, it's a peaceful feeling that I was enough and that my offering was acceptable.
Monday, July 22, 2019
July
This summer has passed in the blink of an eye. I can hardly believe we are nearing the end of July of our last summer in St John.
For the 4th of July we hosted a street taco fest with Drippys, Jrippys, Mom and Dad and Dale and Nancy. We swam and ate and all went to Endicott for fireworks. I regretted the political discussion I got into with Uncle Dale over President Trump. Tony and I have a hard time seeing a balanced side of current president and would best describe him as an idiot. Other than that, it was another movie-perfect holiday. Jeff and Stacey stayed the night so we got to enjoy them all to ourselves.
Tony and I spent an evening at Rock Lake, just the two of us. We skied and then spent a half and hour floating in the water and crying. We will miss our private lake. We have had so many happy memories there.
Last week we spent 5 days at Diamond Lake with the Blughesworths. Our first day was beautiful and sunny, and it was fun to have Mom and Dad join us. From then on, it was cold and rainy. We skied and surfed in the rain, ate well, watched movies and played games. The kids discovered the George board, a big circle behind the boat that several kids can fit on. One evening Max and Jack went on the boat in their clothes to watch the skiers. It looked so fun that they stripped to their underwear and socks and double skied on two skies up and down the lake three times. It was hilarious. The biggest news of the week was that Hainsworths are buying a lake place. We couldn't wait to tour it and plan future reunions there. We are happy (and conveniently) donate or furniture and big table to the lake place we have dubbed, "Carpe Skiem" (skieze the day). Since Hainsworths are remodeling house, Barrows are building a house and we are buying a house, we spent a lot of time being very materialistic and browsing houses online. I'm really thankful for friends who will help make the big decisions in life and are at the hard junctions.
This weekend we had the pleasure of hosting Jackie and Fahd, Cooper's birth mom and her husband. They joined us Friday night for street tacos and a quick run to the lake. Cooper got to show off his skiing and surfing skills and we got to show off our beautiful lake. On Saturday we enjoyed breakfast together and then took the 15 minute St John tour: the school, the garden, the store and ice cream. That afternoon Cooper took them to Pullman for a tour of his home and then up to Steptoe Butte.
Meanwhile, I met all the Rippy at the temple where Evan received his endowment in preparation to serve a mission in Lisbon Portugal. I'm so thankful that instead of mourning that my boys didn't serve missions, I can just enjoy the miracle of Evan choosing to serve. It was a really lovely evening and I needed that infusion of priesthood power.
That evening we played games and ate snacks
For the 4th of July we hosted a street taco fest with Drippys, Jrippys, Mom and Dad and Dale and Nancy. We swam and ate and all went to Endicott for fireworks. I regretted the political discussion I got into with Uncle Dale over President Trump. Tony and I have a hard time seeing a balanced side of current president and would best describe him as an idiot. Other than that, it was another movie-perfect holiday. Jeff and Stacey stayed the night so we got to enjoy them all to ourselves.
Tony and I spent an evening at Rock Lake, just the two of us. We skied and then spent a half and hour floating in the water and crying. We will miss our private lake. We have had so many happy memories there.
Last week we spent 5 days at Diamond Lake with the Blughesworths. Our first day was beautiful and sunny, and it was fun to have Mom and Dad join us. From then on, it was cold and rainy. We skied and surfed in the rain, ate well, watched movies and played games. The kids discovered the George board, a big circle behind the boat that several kids can fit on. One evening Max and Jack went on the boat in their clothes to watch the skiers. It looked so fun that they stripped to their underwear and socks and double skied on two skies up and down the lake three times. It was hilarious. The biggest news of the week was that Hainsworths are buying a lake place. We couldn't wait to tour it and plan future reunions there. We are happy (and conveniently) donate or furniture and big table to the lake place we have dubbed, "Carpe Skiem" (skieze the day). Since Hainsworths are remodeling house, Barrows are building a house and we are buying a house, we spent a lot of time being very materialistic and browsing houses online. I'm really thankful for friends who will help make the big decisions in life and are at the hard junctions.
This weekend we had the pleasure of hosting Jackie and Fahd, Cooper's birth mom and her husband. They joined us Friday night for street tacos and a quick run to the lake. Cooper got to show off his skiing and surfing skills and we got to show off our beautiful lake. On Saturday we enjoyed breakfast together and then took the 15 minute St John tour: the school, the garden, the store and ice cream. That afternoon Cooper took them to Pullman for a tour of his home and then up to Steptoe Butte.
Meanwhile, I met all the Rippy at the temple where Evan received his endowment in preparation to serve a mission in Lisbon Portugal. I'm so thankful that instead of mourning that my boys didn't serve missions, I can just enjoy the miracle of Evan choosing to serve. It was a really lovely evening and I needed that infusion of priesthood power.
That evening we played games and ate snacks
Monday, June 24, 2019
Lundberg Alaskan Cruise
On Saturday Tony and I jumped a quick flight to Seattle and met the Lundberg crew to embark on a wonderful, posh, elegant adventure. We boarded the ship "Joy" and discovered a room with a double bathroom sinks, and a balcony! While the ship set sail, we enjoyed catching up with everyone and met for our first delicious dinner at Cagney's Steakhouse. We all retired pretty early as the ship set sail.
Sunday was a day at sea, a relaxing day of exploring the ship, eating good food, reading and visiting. We did spend a half an hour with a health consultant who tested our overall fitness. I was pleased to hear the word "ideal" for both of us, although he still recommended an 800$ detox cleanse for our liver. We politely declined. I think we will stay with our free fitness blender and try to cut out the sugar for the same effect. Rand and Pam both suffered from sea sickness because the ship was "dancing" on the sea. For the rest of us, the rocking ship meant the best sleep of our life! We started to get a taste of the exquisite beauty of Alaska and its vastness. Sunday night Mom and Dad gathered us for Come Follow Me study and blessings. I'm glad for the opportunity to see Mom's tender heart and Dad's confidence and power in giving blessings.
Monday
Monday was a full and amazing day in Ketchikan. We were up early to squeeze in a little exercise and then grabbed a quick breakfast before heading off the ship. Tony, Lori, Blake, Russ, Mom and Dad took a float plane to Misty Fjords and were blown away with the beauty.
"It was fantastic to see my Dad act that a little boy with a big toy. He got to sit in the co-pilots seat and he loved it. We flew on a BEAVER- a plane especially made for Bush pilots. It flys slow, smooth and steady. The pilot said that he could not remember the last time that he had such good visibility. Hee took us farther than he normally would and he landed in a little lake after we swooped in side ways- in through a couple of long fjords - made of basalt. It was unforgettable."
The rest of us went for a beautiful hike on the rainbow bird trail through the rainforest, meandered through town, and did a bit of shopping. Then Winwards, Burrs and us met our tour guide for a sea cycle ride in the cove and through the estuary near Ketchikan. The most fun thing happened: the owner of the company was a couple who had moved out of Las Vegas just as Lori and Blake moved in. Ron is a dentist and flies to a nearby reservation island every day of the week to practice. Vicki gives sea cycle tours, teaches seminary, and raises 6 amazing kids. It was especially fun to discover mutual acquaintances and to find out that her daughter and son in law are in dental school in Kirksville Missouri. I felt an instant connection with Vicki and am inspired by her willingness to give up comfort for adventure. Their oldest son had chosen an alternate path, a second son was serving a mission currently and the son who was our driver was putting papers in. She was so knowledgeable about the area and the sea. We learned that the community of Ketchikan used to be a floating logging community. We learned that in the 90s the government destroyed 800 jobs by shutting down the pulp mill and logging operations. Now cruise ships are the primary source of income. We saw tons of wildlife; seals and babies, birds, sea stars, jellyfish, sea cucumbers and especially eagles. About 30 eagles came for a feeding and we got to see them up close. We were served pickled kelp and spruce jelly with salmon spread. Our favorite part of the trip though was seeing the LDS ward building that the members had made out of cedar. It was a stunning building with unique architecture and a cozy feel. The smell was wonderful.
For me, meeting Vicki was the highlight of the trip. We totally connected and I knew she was a covenant woman. I told her I would send a resume to work for her in the summer.
There was a bit of tension on the way home when we realized that we were a bit late for the ship, exasperated by Russ calling us to say that they were pulling away. Thankfully we weren't the very last ones, but I don't think we will not cut it that close again. And we forgave Russ for stirring the pot. Mom and Deb and I went to the jewelry store on board and got our charm bracelets, which I planned to give to Eliza.
In the afternoon we got our turn at the on board race cars. Now it was my turn to be carsick, but Russ and Rand and Tony were like little kids and we all had a good time.
We ate at Manhattans that night, another amazing meal with the best salad and bananas foster Tony has ever had. We also saw the show Footloose. The show was well done, but were were all too tired to really enjoy it. We all agreed if we had to go home today the whole trip was worth it. The good news is we still have a wonderful 5 days ahead of us.
Tuesday
Yesterday we were in Juneau, Alaska's capitol. We spent the morning in and out of shops and discovered a hidden park with a beautiful river running through it. We toured the city museum and learned a bit about mining, the gold rush and significant women in Alaska's history. Tony found a great Alaska hat for Max's black hat collection and I bought art for my laundry room collection. We met up for lunch with everyone and had the best Halibut fish and chips (plus King crab leg, salmon chowder and slaw) EVER! This time we were not the last ones on the ship. I spent the afternoon visiting with Pam and reading and Tony went off to do waterslides with Russ, Blake and Rand. It was an afternoon of quintessential Alaska sights including icebergs, glaciers, whales and seals plus a continued panorama of beautiful shoreline and mountain peaks. Last night's dinner was at the Bistro, a French restaurant, and probably our best meal. We started with hors de vours like escargot, warm goat cheese salad. Tony had an exquisite rack of lamb and I had life changing roasted duck. The desserts were incredible: creme brulee, flourless chocolate cake, Napoleon ice cream mousse. Every time we eat, we cant believe the quality of food. After dinner we found cozy seating on the observation deck and talked with Mom and Dad followed by a fun game of Scrabble.
Tony and I are sitting on our beautiful balcony with the sun high in the sky at 9:00 at night, watching the scenery of beautiful Alaska like it was a movie. The temperature has been perfect.
Tony keeps getting us up early to workout before the crowds, which has been both painful and healthy :) . We usually meet everyone for breakfast and then head out on the adventure.
Today we were in Icy Point. Tony and I spent the morning exploring the museum and "nature trail" then built a rather impressive Cairn on the beach. What we lacked in height and stability we made up for in color, symmetry and interest. We worked well together, proving it is possible. After a lunch back on the ship we geared up for our zip line ride. It was higher than the empire state building. Everyone loved it and said it was a great rush. I did not, but I'm glad I did it, for Tony. We had dinner tonight and then were off to "Elements" a dancing magic show with bubbles, lights and acrobatics. At dinner tonight we ordered the Lundberg kids from Warren to Betty (Lori, Tony, Russ and Debbie). It was a good night to laugh and love and be together.
Thursday was a day on ship, which meant we could meet for a happy breakfast. We spent our time together sharing the thing we love most about Mom and Dad. Some of the things we said about Mom was that she is always kind, how she says things, that she can tell when we are sad. We love that Mom and Dad are comfortable talking about sometimes taboo subjects, that Dad is a finisher, that he is skilled (brilliant) at mechanical things. More tears that morning :)
We got to spend an hour on the VR deck doing virtual reality machines. Ironically, those who get sea sick had no problem while those who don't get sea sick (Lori and I) got so nauseus. We fought zombies, drove jeeps through dinosaur island, hanglided and walked a plank to save a kitten. After recovering from the VR some of us were back at the gym, taking naps, going to art auctions and snuggling in with good books. Tonight we had dinner at Teppenyaki, a Japanese grill. Our chef was entertaining and charming, and the food was unreal. Best scallops, filet mignon, and calamari of our life. This was the night we all overate with gusto. We then hurried (rolled) to our appointment for lasar tag. This turned out to be one of our most fun memories. It was freezing and windy and raining and we all felt like little kids battling the red team, a family from Alabama who bested us with a quick shooting 9 year old. That night, we got roasted by a comedian, who especially picked on Dad. Nothing bonds a family like being mocked in front of other people.
Friday we enjoyed another breakfast together and then were off the boat to explore Victoria. After a struggle (Too many Lundbergs In Charge) we caught the bus to the Buchart gardens. They were worth every minute. Stunning flowers and lovely, reverent gardens. We also had the best ice cream gelato) sandwich of our life. After the gardens Lori, Blake, Debbie and Rand and us explored Fisherman's wharf in Victoria. I got shrimp burritos, street tacos, fish tacos and Tony indulged in more delightful fish and chips and toffee cake. Rand Deb and I planned a business model based on the healing powers of Paw Paws and bought canadian smarties to take back to our kids. Tony made an effort to scare me by getting the security guard to demand a passport, but I was on to him and only had a minute of panic. That night we met in the lounge to talk and dance and thank Mom and Dad for the millionth time for the incredible gift they gave us. Our relationships were strengthened and our appreciation for each member of our family was increased.
Saturday morning we gathered for our last breakfast then boarded the shuttle to the airport. Lucky Tony and I were home by 2:00 and found all the kids in one piece and the house in generally good shape. Everyone else spent the day exploring Seattle and waiting in the airport-yuck!
Sunday was a day at sea, a relaxing day of exploring the ship, eating good food, reading and visiting. We did spend a half an hour with a health consultant who tested our overall fitness. I was pleased to hear the word "ideal" for both of us, although he still recommended an 800$ detox cleanse for our liver. We politely declined. I think we will stay with our free fitness blender and try to cut out the sugar for the same effect. Rand and Pam both suffered from sea sickness because the ship was "dancing" on the sea. For the rest of us, the rocking ship meant the best sleep of our life! We started to get a taste of the exquisite beauty of Alaska and its vastness. Sunday night Mom and Dad gathered us for Come Follow Me study and blessings. I'm glad for the opportunity to see Mom's tender heart and Dad's confidence and power in giving blessings.
Monday
Monday was a full and amazing day in Ketchikan. We were up early to squeeze in a little exercise and then grabbed a quick breakfast before heading off the ship. Tony, Lori, Blake, Russ, Mom and Dad took a float plane to Misty Fjords and were blown away with the beauty.
"It was fantastic to see my Dad act that a little boy with a big toy. He got to sit in the co-pilots seat and he loved it. We flew on a BEAVER- a plane especially made for Bush pilots. It flys slow, smooth and steady. The pilot said that he could not remember the last time that he had such good visibility. Hee took us farther than he normally would and he landed in a little lake after we swooped in side ways- in through a couple of long fjords - made of basalt. It was unforgettable."
The rest of us went for a beautiful hike on the rainbow bird trail through the rainforest, meandered through town, and did a bit of shopping. Then Winwards, Burrs and us met our tour guide for a sea cycle ride in the cove and through the estuary near Ketchikan. The most fun thing happened: the owner of the company was a couple who had moved out of Las Vegas just as Lori and Blake moved in. Ron is a dentist and flies to a nearby reservation island every day of the week to practice. Vicki gives sea cycle tours, teaches seminary, and raises 6 amazing kids. It was especially fun to discover mutual acquaintances and to find out that her daughter and son in law are in dental school in Kirksville Missouri. I felt an instant connection with Vicki and am inspired by her willingness to give up comfort for adventure. Their oldest son had chosen an alternate path, a second son was serving a mission currently and the son who was our driver was putting papers in. She was so knowledgeable about the area and the sea. We learned that the community of Ketchikan used to be a floating logging community. We learned that in the 90s the government destroyed 800 jobs by shutting down the pulp mill and logging operations. Now cruise ships are the primary source of income. We saw tons of wildlife; seals and babies, birds, sea stars, jellyfish, sea cucumbers and especially eagles. About 30 eagles came for a feeding and we got to see them up close. We were served pickled kelp and spruce jelly with salmon spread. Our favorite part of the trip though was seeing the LDS ward building that the members had made out of cedar. It was a stunning building with unique architecture and a cozy feel. The smell was wonderful.
For me, meeting Vicki was the highlight of the trip. We totally connected and I knew she was a covenant woman. I told her I would send a resume to work for her in the summer.
There was a bit of tension on the way home when we realized that we were a bit late for the ship, exasperated by Russ calling us to say that they were pulling away. Thankfully we weren't the very last ones, but I don't think we will not cut it that close again. And we forgave Russ for stirring the pot. Mom and Deb and I went to the jewelry store on board and got our charm bracelets, which I planned to give to Eliza.
In the afternoon we got our turn at the on board race cars. Now it was my turn to be carsick, but Russ and Rand and Tony were like little kids and we all had a good time.
We ate at Manhattans that night, another amazing meal with the best salad and bananas foster Tony has ever had. We also saw the show Footloose. The show was well done, but were were all too tired to really enjoy it. We all agreed if we had to go home today the whole trip was worth it. The good news is we still have a wonderful 5 days ahead of us.
Tuesday
Yesterday we were in Juneau, Alaska's capitol. We spent the morning in and out of shops and discovered a hidden park with a beautiful river running through it. We toured the city museum and learned a bit about mining, the gold rush and significant women in Alaska's history. Tony found a great Alaska hat for Max's black hat collection and I bought art for my laundry room collection. We met up for lunch with everyone and had the best Halibut fish and chips (plus King crab leg, salmon chowder and slaw) EVER! This time we were not the last ones on the ship. I spent the afternoon visiting with Pam and reading and Tony went off to do waterslides with Russ, Blake and Rand. It was an afternoon of quintessential Alaska sights including icebergs, glaciers, whales and seals plus a continued panorama of beautiful shoreline and mountain peaks. Last night's dinner was at the Bistro, a French restaurant, and probably our best meal. We started with hors de vours like escargot, warm goat cheese salad. Tony had an exquisite rack of lamb and I had life changing roasted duck. The desserts were incredible: creme brulee, flourless chocolate cake, Napoleon ice cream mousse. Every time we eat, we cant believe the quality of food. After dinner we found cozy seating on the observation deck and talked with Mom and Dad followed by a fun game of Scrabble.
Tony and I are sitting on our beautiful balcony with the sun high in the sky at 9:00 at night, watching the scenery of beautiful Alaska like it was a movie. The temperature has been perfect.
Tony keeps getting us up early to workout before the crowds, which has been both painful and healthy :) . We usually meet everyone for breakfast and then head out on the adventure.
Today we were in Icy Point. Tony and I spent the morning exploring the museum and "nature trail" then built a rather impressive Cairn on the beach. What we lacked in height and stability we made up for in color, symmetry and interest. We worked well together, proving it is possible. After a lunch back on the ship we geared up for our zip line ride. It was higher than the empire state building. Everyone loved it and said it was a great rush. I did not, but I'm glad I did it, for Tony. We had dinner tonight and then were off to "Elements" a dancing magic show with bubbles, lights and acrobatics. At dinner tonight we ordered the Lundberg kids from Warren to Betty (Lori, Tony, Russ and Debbie). It was a good night to laugh and love and be together.
Thursday was a day on ship, which meant we could meet for a happy breakfast. We spent our time together sharing the thing we love most about Mom and Dad. Some of the things we said about Mom was that she is always kind, how she says things, that she can tell when we are sad. We love that Mom and Dad are comfortable talking about sometimes taboo subjects, that Dad is a finisher, that he is skilled (brilliant) at mechanical things. More tears that morning :)
We got to spend an hour on the VR deck doing virtual reality machines. Ironically, those who get sea sick had no problem while those who don't get sea sick (Lori and I) got so nauseus. We fought zombies, drove jeeps through dinosaur island, hanglided and walked a plank to save a kitten. After recovering from the VR some of us were back at the gym, taking naps, going to art auctions and snuggling in with good books. Tonight we had dinner at Teppenyaki, a Japanese grill. Our chef was entertaining and charming, and the food was unreal. Best scallops, filet mignon, and calamari of our life. This was the night we all overate with gusto. We then hurried (rolled) to our appointment for lasar tag. This turned out to be one of our most fun memories. It was freezing and windy and raining and we all felt like little kids battling the red team, a family from Alabama who bested us with a quick shooting 9 year old. That night, we got roasted by a comedian, who especially picked on Dad. Nothing bonds a family like being mocked in front of other people.
Friday we enjoyed another breakfast together and then were off the boat to explore Victoria. After a struggle (Too many Lundbergs In Charge) we caught the bus to the Buchart gardens. They were worth every minute. Stunning flowers and lovely, reverent gardens. We also had the best ice cream gelato) sandwich of our life. After the gardens Lori, Blake, Debbie and Rand and us explored Fisherman's wharf in Victoria. I got shrimp burritos, street tacos, fish tacos and Tony indulged in more delightful fish and chips and toffee cake. Rand Deb and I planned a business model based on the healing powers of Paw Paws and bought canadian smarties to take back to our kids. Tony made an effort to scare me by getting the security guard to demand a passport, but I was on to him and only had a minute of panic. That night we met in the lounge to talk and dance and thank Mom and Dad for the millionth time for the incredible gift they gave us. Our relationships were strengthened and our appreciation for each member of our family was increased.
Saturday morning we gathered for our last breakfast then boarded the shuttle to the airport. Lucky Tony and I were home by 2:00 and found all the kids in one piece and the house in generally good shape. Everyone else spent the day exploring Seattle and waiting in the airport-yuck!
Sunday, June 16, 2019
Father's Day
I wish we still celebrated Father's Day with a whip cream fight. We don't and I miss having a big family with little kids. Today was too quiet. Cooper was with his birth family in Boise making connections and memories, but not with us. Wilson is in St George disconnecting with anything meaningful. Eliza spent the weekend at a lifegaurding class. As a true introvert, she will need a lot of alone time to recover from all that social interaction. Max is rejecting all family interactions such as family pizza night or time on the boat because he feels we are trying to control him. Marcos craves interaction but drives people away with his inability to understand appropriate social interaction and personal space. This is the messy middle. I know it ends well.
Today in sacrament meeting I was thinking about water. Water is what our body needs, but we have a lot of beverage choices: chocolate milk, soda, lemonade, energy drinks, tea, etc. All of these promise to quench thirst The only thing that satiates our thirst is water. All the other beverages are water with a bunch of added ingredients. Water sustains life.
Jesus Christ is the Living Water. We often try anything else but Him. We turn to media, other people, self help gurus, sports, money. These are just substitutes for water and they won't satiate us. Jesus sustains life.
Today in sacrament meeting I was thinking about water. Water is what our body needs, but we have a lot of beverage choices: chocolate milk, soda, lemonade, energy drinks, tea, etc. All of these promise to quench thirst The only thing that satiates our thirst is water. All the other beverages are water with a bunch of added ingredients. Water sustains life.
Jesus Christ is the Living Water. We often try anything else but Him. We turn to media, other people, self help gurus, sports, money. These are just substitutes for water and they won't satiate us. Jesus sustains life.
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
Tiffany
Wilson called today. Normally I keep the conversations pretty short because they usually involve dishonesty, criticism and lots of blame. There was all of that as usual, but there was also more. I'm glad the spirit prompted me to stay on the line. I’m glad I listened to the spirit and to Wilson.
Last weekend Wilson met with his birth Mom, Tiffany. He said it was awkward because they all just acted like they were old friends, which they weren’t. Also, Wilson probably just showed up without plans for lodging or meals or anything. Poor Tiffany was in Vegas to party with her boyfriend and may not have been prepared for the Wilson package.
Wilson said that during one quiet, private moment, Tiffany told him that she knew right away that he was not her baby (ouch). He acknowledged that it hurt when she said that. However, Tiffany said that she had fasted and prayed and felt like we were Wilson’s real parents. I wasn’t sure how to respond when he just blurted out, “but, “I’m your baby.” That was his direct quote, said with a little bit of a question mark. I responded that yes, he was mine. I’ve done all the work that earns me that title. I didn’t need to remind him that he was a hard kid. He laughed and said that he had told Tiffany she’d dodged a bullet, because he was so tough. Then he said she and I were the same personality, which I assume means we are both tough mothers.
In reality I do have a lot of anger toward my kid’s birth Moms. It’s a little unrealistic, I know, but I get so mad at the hole they left in my kids that I can’t fill.
Wilson then surprised me with this question, “What do you feel about everything, Mom?” When I recovered enough to respond, I told him I feel like there cannot be enough people to love you. I told him I feel like God’s plan is to connect families and gather his children, and adoption connects families through sealing a child. I said I used to feel threatened, but don’t anymore.
Then I said Mom stuff, like find a part time job so you have consistent income, go exercise, and eat your vegetables. And I said: I love you, son. Because he always has been, and always will be, my baby.
Sunday, May 12, 2019
mothers day 2019
It is Mother's Day, so, it is complex. The feelings of gratitude for the chance to be a mother despite not having any reproductive organs float like lily pads, beautiful and orderly on a less seemly pond of emotions. I'm grateful to my kid's birthmoms, my own mom and motherinlaw. I'm thankful for my mother heroes, covenenat keeping matriarchs like Eve and Mary. I'm thankful for the co-moms, my friends and sisters, who are in this with me. I feel confident and happy just to have the chance to raise children in righteousness. I'm so thankful to be doing this with Tony.
Underneath the gratitude, in the dark water, I still feel resentful that my efforts haven't had the expected outcome. There are occasionally slimy tendrils of shame and regret for some really big parenting mistakes I made. I'm jealous of moms with missionaries and kids who pray without being asked. I'm judgey and critical in the murky water.
Tony gave me the best gifts this weekend. We took a bike ride to Rock Lake on Saturday morning and then worked ourselves to exhaustion painting the house. In Elder's Quorum meeting while the men were planning taking over primary and young womens, he suggested that I would rather teach primary music than have the day off. It caused a kerfuffle, but I loved that he knew me so well. It was a great day and the kids filled my cup.
Last week we picked an official departure date and started telling people we were leaving. Doesn't seem real. We can live in Mom and Dads house for a month. Tony does not yet have a job. His interviews last week in St George didn't go quite as well as he had hoped. I attended my 39th and last band concert. I keep purging from the house. Every cell in my body does not want to leave, but all of me knows its right and I m going to do it. I remembered when I felt this before; my marriage. So at least I know when I do whats right, not what I want, there is a happy ending.
Underneath the gratitude, in the dark water, I still feel resentful that my efforts haven't had the expected outcome. There are occasionally slimy tendrils of shame and regret for some really big parenting mistakes I made. I'm jealous of moms with missionaries and kids who pray without being asked. I'm judgey and critical in the murky water.
Tony gave me the best gifts this weekend. We took a bike ride to Rock Lake on Saturday morning and then worked ourselves to exhaustion painting the house. In Elder's Quorum meeting while the men were planning taking over primary and young womens, he suggested that I would rather teach primary music than have the day off. It caused a kerfuffle, but I loved that he knew me so well. It was a great day and the kids filled my cup.
Last week we picked an official departure date and started telling people we were leaving. Doesn't seem real. We can live in Mom and Dads house for a month. Tony does not yet have a job. His interviews last week in St George didn't go quite as well as he had hoped. I attended my 39th and last band concert. I keep purging from the house. Every cell in my body does not want to leave, but all of me knows its right and I m going to do it. I remembered when I felt this before; my marriage. So at least I know when I do whats right, not what I want, there is a happy ending.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Life is hard
It’s been a hard week. Last weekend while I was babysitting Jeff and Stacey’s kids in Moses Lake, I got the dreaded phone call that Wilson quit Job Corp. He had his suitcase and was walking to the house. He was agitated, scared and irrational. With no other choice I picked him up and was resigned to starting back at square one. I felt overwhelmed and defeated as I imagined spending the next month mentoring Wilson. When we got home Saturday night, Tony greeted me with sad news. He’d received a phone call from parents in town reporting that their son had been caught smoking pot. He got the pot from Max. As sad as this was, the more painful part came when Max reported that he got it from Cooper. I started shaking so badly I had to put my phone down, soak in a hot tub and then bury myself under piles of blankets. Tony had to reach out to Andrea and Betsy on my behalf!
We immediately talked to Cooper who vehemently denied it. Now we were caught between our distrust of both of our sons. The next morning Max and I went to see the principal. Max owned it, but held to his story that he got the pot and vaping from Coop. Maxs consequences were primarily external. He had to have his locker searched publicly, he was expelled from the basketball team. He had to confess to the coach and the team. He lost his phone for 30 days.
He also has to take a drug and alcohol class. Of course we were disappointed, but our gratitude that he was caught was even greater. It was almost immediate that his anger seemed out. All the “angry black boy” energy was gone. Max hashumbling. Dad is willing to give up being a grandfather to be a case worker. That’s a hard sacrifice. Wilson starts work tomorrow at the car dealership. I’m trying not to be too doubtful, just trusting.
While Wilson was home he went with me to counseling one night. It was emotionally excruciating. He wasn’t trying to hurt me like he has in the past, but he was really honest about what it was like for me to be his mom. The most painful part was the acutely realization that Wilson spent/spends most of his time confused. He did and does not understand. He’s scared all the time because he can’t predict or comprehend. He didn’t understand consequences or responses from his overtures. He hates to be physically confined, so hugging and holding were his worst nightmare. He was most hurt when we said he couldn’t live at home. He’s terrified of being hungry. We set him up to fail when we took him to school. I was interested that Wilson cried during the session but I did not. I remember being conditioned Wilson’s whole life not to cry when he would either hit me or get livid. I guess I’m still conditioned not to cry, it man did I feel the pain. It also had a glimmer of hope for healing. Wilson has short periods of lucidity and reality. He needs healing through connection, and that needs to be my focus.
Eliza finishes her basketball season. She’s played no more than one minute a game. She has mostly warmed the bench and been the scapegoat for members of her team. But she has finished her committments and been a good friend to the other girls and we are really proud of her. Yesterday she and I braved horrible weather conditions to get to Spokane so she could take the ACT test. In only one week, we are going to London. I hope Eliza can embrace life and dream big.
Marcos went out on top on basketball. He is so driven, in sports. Not so much in school and piano, but he’s trying.
Prom 2018
I went to Prom this year with my friend Brady. We went in a big group. My favorite part was the dinner and I loved doing everyone's hair and makeup. We spent the whole day in my room. The dance itself was kind of lame, but I'm glad I went
spring break
Spring break could be considered a great success if success is defined by the amount of
torture parents can inflict on their ungrateful children. For four full days the children were fully
prevented from holing up in their bedrooms, escaping with their friends, and media time was
painfully monitored. In four days Tony and I were able to complete 4 consistent mornings of
scripture study ( thanks to being trapped in the car), physical activity (2 hikes in 2 days) and
several educational opportunities (tide pools, space AND air museum). We also did a lot of
flirting, hand holding and kissing, not even once detracted by a disagreement or marital
discord. Furthermore, eating out was kept to a dual visit to Muchas Gracias burritos and
Macdonald’s on the way home! Parents were the winners this time.
We made it to the beach on Sunday just in time for sunset and the sky was stunning. Monday was rainy, but we were off to the Drift Creek suspensión bridge after breakfast. The kids made excellent efforts to be miserable, but ultimately loved finding slugs, newts and mushrooms as well as hiking and climbing, At the grocery store after the hike, we all tried to find a food we’d never tried. It made for an eclectic and happy lunch. Later Tony made a delicious salmon, and we baked up potatoes and asparagus. We snugggled in our cozy house for puzzles and movies and were so disappointed the hot tub was out of order.
Tuesday we went to Pacific City to climb the dunes. We found starfish and sea anemones in the tide pools. After all that work, we were excited for our ice cream in Tillamook. Tillamook was a big disappointment. It’s been commercialized, doesn’t sell cheese curds and the ice cream lines was so long we gave up and bought pints and cones from the Fred Meyer.
It was raining pretty hard most of the time, but Tony and I enjoyed several beautiful runs on the beach. No kids joined us. Same for a wonderful afternoon exploring the tide pools. That was a win for the kids. On Wednesday we spent the day at the museums and Tony was like a little boy at Christmas. We finished the visit with an IMAX movie about fighter pilot training in Las Vegas. Tony ate it up. That night Tony took the boys to a basketball game and Eliza and I went shopping. This was the kid’s happiest part.
Thursday we had another parent success. The kids wanted to hurry home, but the parents were able to stall with a beautiful visit on Historic Hwy 30. In all the years we’ve visited Portland we’ve never stopped by the Vista point or seen all 5 famous waterfalls. It was stunningly beautiful, made even more enjoyable because the kids were so annoyed with our dallying.
On one of our very first trips to the beach when the kids were small, I carefully selected 7 round stones which I stacked on top of each other in a perfectly balanced, symmetrical cairn. I’ve kept them on the shelf in my bathroom for years. It was meant to represent our family. This year I found 5 new rocks for my cairn. I carefully found 5 different shapes: oval, triangle, rectangle, circle, heart. This is such a better representation of my family, They don’t fit molds, they aren’t the same shape as we are, and they are each very unique. I’m going to replace my cairn in the bathroom with the new rocks to remind me to embrace the individuality of my kids, in all aspects of their life, including their journey to come to Jesus Christ.
We made it to the beach on Sunday just in time for sunset and the sky was stunning. Monday was rainy, but we were off to the Drift Creek suspensión bridge after breakfast. The kids made excellent efforts to be miserable, but ultimately loved finding slugs, newts and mushrooms as well as hiking and climbing, At the grocery store after the hike, we all tried to find a food we’d never tried. It made for an eclectic and happy lunch. Later Tony made a delicious salmon, and we baked up potatoes and asparagus. We snugggled in our cozy house for puzzles and movies and were so disappointed the hot tub was out of order.
Tuesday we went to Pacific City to climb the dunes. We found starfish and sea anemones in the tide pools. After all that work, we were excited for our ice cream in Tillamook. Tillamook was a big disappointment. It’s been commercialized, doesn’t sell cheese curds and the ice cream lines was so long we gave up and bought pints and cones from the Fred Meyer.
It was raining pretty hard most of the time, but Tony and I enjoyed several beautiful runs on the beach. No kids joined us. Same for a wonderful afternoon exploring the tide pools. That was a win for the kids. On Wednesday we spent the day at the museums and Tony was like a little boy at Christmas. We finished the visit with an IMAX movie about fighter pilot training in Las Vegas. Tony ate it up. That night Tony took the boys to a basketball game and Eliza and I went shopping. This was the kid’s happiest part.
Thursday we had another parent success. The kids wanted to hurry home, but the parents were able to stall with a beautiful visit on Historic Hwy 30. In all the years we’ve visited Portland we’ve never stopped by the Vista point or seen all 5 famous waterfalls. It was stunningly beautiful, made even more enjoyable because the kids were so annoyed with our dallying.
On one of our very first trips to the beach when the kids were small, I carefully selected 7 round stones which I stacked on top of each other in a perfectly balanced, symmetrical cairn. I’ve kept them on the shelf in my bathroom for years. It was meant to represent our family. This year I found 5 new rocks for my cairn. I carefully found 5 different shapes: oval, triangle, rectangle, circle, heart. This is such a better representation of my family, They don’t fit molds, they aren’t the same shape as we are, and they are each very unique. I’m going to replace my cairn in the bathroom with the new rocks to remind me to embrace the individuality of my kids, in all aspects of their life, including their journey to come to Jesus Christ.
Sunday, March 17, 2019
Snoewhoeing date
Tony took me on the nicest date on Thursday. We started at the temple, had breakfast at Jennys, then spent the most beautiful day snoweshoing at Mt Spokane. Tony got some bad blisters, but the scenery was stunning and it sure was a good workout! We really like each other.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)