Spiritually defining moments

I composed a lesson today challenging all the Relief Society sisters to record a spiritually defining moment.  I want to accept my own challenge.  It has caused some reflection, because typically I enjoy a gift of faith that is inherent and innate.  It’s like the sun rising, more than a lightbulb turning on.  I don’t remember ever not having a knowledge of a God, a belief in the Savior, or an understanding of priesthood power.  

My spiritually defining moments have been time of personal revelation when communication with my Heavenly Parents was easy.  Not the acting part, which is always challenging.  Just the part where I know with surety that God has told me something and that something is true.  It’s so true that it can coexist with doubts, unexpected results, and intense criticism from others.

My paramount experience, the first time I experienced perfect clarity, was when I asked about marrying Tony.  The communication was clear because all other options disappeared and there was only one choice.  It wasn’t even a choice I wanted, but it was the only one. 

Once I was taught about temple symbolism from a story in the Old Testament in such a profound way that every time I think about it I get chills.   

I have had several, instances of insight, when I identify my own unhealthy behaviors and beliefs.  The correction comes from friends or therapists, but the realization of truth that pierces my heart and soul comes from the spirit.  This process of repentance, where I can do better because now I know better, is a spiritually defining experience for me.  Repentance connects me to Heaven. 

Blind Irony

Grandma and Grandpa Rippy were both blind.  Uncle Bob, Aunt Clara and Uncle Ray are all visually impaired as a result of macular degeneration.  Dad was the last holdout-until this week.  In Washington Dad went on a bike ride with Lane and when they got to the top of the hill, he passed out, twice. Scared Lane half to death.  Tony encouraged him to go immediately to the hospital, but Dad declined.  All was normal until about half an hour after getting home to St George from their trip to WA when Dad realized he couldn't see half of his face.  This time, Tony was very insistent about getting evaluated in the ER and they went in.  A CT scan showed an ischemic stroke, so again at Tony's recommendation Dad did the mega blood thinning treatment.  It was a bit of a risky procedure, but had the most potential for restoring his sight.  The next day, he had a complication from the procedure and had a small bleed.  He ended up staying in the ICU for three nights.  Because of COVID, even Mom couldn't go see him, and we couldn't go give him a blessing.  Thankfully, one of the perks of UT is that the OT and PT were able to do it. :)

This incident brought several things into clarity.  First I'm really glad we are here in St George to help our parents in these last years, especially Tony's medical help.  It was comforting for Mom to be able to ask questions and get immediate explanations with someone she trusts.  Also, Dad and Mom have some work to do to prepare for these kind of situations and we really need to have conversations about caregiving.  Also, we have the most amazing support network.  Andrea and Betsy sent to tulips to both Mom and I and the symbol of that support over the last 20 years was the biggest comfort.  Lastly, I'm not ready for my parents to die.  I doubt I ever will be.  

Happy Birthday Max

 Dear Maxwell,

It's your 16 birthday.  I feel relief that we have made it this far.  I feel anxiety about your next two years.  I feel so hopeful about your potential.  I tried really hard to find the balance between too much birthday attention (which you don't like) and too little birthday attention (which hurts your feelings).  I can only imagine how hard it is to have your birthday coincide with the first day of school.  All the anxiety and stress of a new school year probably takes a lot of the fun out of a birthday.  I hope you felt our love despite the busy time.

On our way home from Washington I let you know that as of August 12, 2020, you have fulfilled your family obligations.  You are no longer required to be at family vacation, family prayer or family scripture study, or even family dinner. Max, I don't want to be a Simp parent anymore.  I don't want to give you any additional messages of incompetence.  My desperate efforts for connection and attachment must be stifling and scary.  I apologize for over functioning and I'm ready to do better.  

I have confidence that as I give you more space, more responsibility and less oversight, you will choose to work on our relationship.  I know it will take time, but you will choose to have a Mom.  I am privileged to be that person.  You are so beautiful.  When you are happy, you light up a room.  I am proud of the person you are becoming and believe that your purpose on this earth and in this family is significant.  I've always known you were mine, before you were even born.  I love you with all my heart.  

Love, Mom

Happy Birthday Wilson

 Dear Wilson,

Happy 24th Birthday.  Your birthday is always a time for me to remember the joy of your first birthday.  You were so beautiful.  We made raspberry shortcakes and Grandma and Grandpa Chocolate made you swing to hang in the tree.  You were so happy.  My greatest dream for you is to find that happy again.  You have experienced a lot of things this year that have stretched you.  As usual, you learn things the hard way, and that is totally OK.  Your path to the Savior looks a lot different than mine, but I am confident God knows exactly where you are.  I look forward to continued healing and relationship repairing within our family as we access the power of the Savior’s atonement.  I love you.  I learn from you.  I am always here for you.

Love, Mom

CSC 2020

 The 10th annual CSC, as we always say, was our best year yet.  After much deliberation and even praying and fasting on Mom and Dad’s part, we decided not to cancel or reschedule our family reunion, despite covid risk.  However because of COVID we couldn’t use the kitchen or fridges and because of the burn ban, we couldn’t have fires.  The mosquitos and bees made things a little less comfortable, but our temperatures and water couldn’t have been more perfect.  We all arrived on Monday night and set up camp.  Dustin and Kimberly were heroes and helped Mom and Dad bring a trailer.  The trailer was a lot more comfortable for Mom and closer to the bathrooms.  They also helped set up our makeshift kitchen which included a lot of coolers, camp stoves and bins.  

Cameron and Jill got a new boat this year, Cotton Candy Unicorn Barbie boat in fabulous pink and purple.  Jeff and Stacey brought two SUPs and we brought the George Board.  Plenty of toys to keep us entertained.  On Tuesday Tony and I swam the river and paddle-boarded back.  It was a challenge this year because the cold water made me dizzy.  Jill couldn’t join me because of an ear infection, so I was glad to be with Tony.  We had a lot of crafts this year, tie dyed socks, resin crafts, glow in the dark sand.

Tyler and Chelsea really outdid themselves commemorating the 10th anniversary.  The opening ceremony, and “campfires” were perfect to emphasize T-tradition, E-everyone, N-no one left behind.  Chelsea had us stand in a circle and hold hands.  When we were all connected, we could light an energy bar.  If someone let go, we could still put our hand on them and keep the connection.  It was a great object lesson.  Tyler and Chelsea also put together a CSC trivia game that reminded us of all our great memories like, banana bread, camp barf-a-lot, and speedo trauma.  Everyones favorite was the t-shirt and photo books.  

The frisbee games were intense this year.  Tony loved them.  We were glad we brought the boys bikes because they had fun riding with their cousins.  I think fewer tadpoles died than in previous years, although they were still a tremendous source of entertainment.  We also got to meet Corbin’s girlfriend who has magically transformed him into a very enjoyable teenager.  We will enjoy it while it lasts!

Coop and Jes joined us on Tuesday night after work and were treated like royalty.  It was fun to have them all day Wednesday.  Jes connected with Eliza, Kate and Addy and Cooper played like he did when he was 10, including ignoring his mom about sunscreen and getting fried.  He was also very patient with the teenagers and only lost it in the final hour with Max and Kimball. 

Our food this year was amazing.  Kimberly made bressert crepes with chocolate pudding, nutella, whip cream and my favorite, lemon curd.  Our gourmet pizzas were a hit, tikka pizza and spicy buffalo.  The ice cream bars melted, so we won’t do that again. Jeff and Stacey made chili cheese fries that were amazing and then we fried the leftover crepes!  So good.

Tyler and Chelsea made J Dawgs with all the fixings.  Cam and Jill did delicious walking tacos and I made Mexican street corn.  

There was a lot of laughing, a lot of good discussion and lots of memories.  It was by far, my most relaxing CSC ever.  I even remembered flannel sheets and we slept like babies.  It is the most beautiful place for me.  

After CSC we spent a few days at Carpe Skiem.  The weather wasn’t that great so we sat and talked and ate great food.  Mom and Dad and the Porters joined us on Saturday.  Tony was in heaven playing game after game of Cornhole, Skull King and Pickleball.  Tony and I went for run/walk on Saturday and ended up doing an 11 mile loop.  Max had apparently used up all his connection energy at CSC and spent two full days in the basement.  I felt sad, but am getting better at not needing to control him.  Sam spent some good time with Jack. 

We are headed home now to face school starting.  I’m so thankful to have a houseboat vacay to look forward to with my family and our covenant friends.  I’m so thankful that we were able to have these traditions this year to ground us during the uncertain times.  It was the perfect protest.  We are meant to gather.