Sunday night was Max’s graduation from Star Guides. I felt anxiety, excitement, trepidation, hope, fear and so many other emotions. For nights before, I had nightmares and was hit by a terrible cloud of depression and doom that lasted for several days. Finally, on Friday night with a lot of pleading, the cloud lifted and I had a peaceful dream that Max was happy to see us and ready to come home.
On Sunday we met a counselor who took us to the field and briefed us on events. I could see the boys moving around and held it together until I saw him. Then I lost it. Everything fear I’d been feeling just got swallowed up with love and relief that he was ok. I cried and held on tight. Max had our camp all set up and was so proud to show us what he’d learned. He built us a fire and helped set up a tarp over our sleeping bags.
That night we had a fireside with all of Max’s group. I loved the honesty and vulnerability of everyone there. They shared hopes and fears for Max. They all emphasized what a leader he was, how much he has changed and how grounded he is. Max got a special honor and was Earth Named. His Earth name was Windborn Pine. It is a reference to being a lone pine that is strong from the winds of adversity and grows deep roots. It is a stronger tree than the one in the forest that depends on others for strength.
It was no surprise to us that Max never lost a piece of equipment, stayed impressively clean and excelled at cooking. He made spoons and his fire bow. He really knows a lot about wilderness survival.
For 24 hours we basked in the calm, peaceful, grateful and light filled kid that we love so much. We met people at the new school, got haircuts, had family dinner and scriptures study. Took several baths and called it a night.
At the camp I tried to convey to all the boys two things. First, that their parents love them unconditionally, and second that nothing they have done, can’t be repaired.
I’m learning a lot from Max. First, that it is possible to get comfortable while being uncomfortable. Second that “future tripping” only causes anxiety and unhealthy thoughts. To stop future tripping, I can be grateful.
I’m so proud of the hard things that he has done and so hopeful for the future. We have so much that we want to give him. All he has to do to qualify for the freedoms and privileges of our home is communication, honesty and trust. Not perfection, not even total compliance.
The big hole in our family is filled and we are so glad to have him home.
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