Max is home

Sunday night was Max’s graduation from Star Guides.  I felt anxiety, excitement, trepidation, hope, fear and so many other emotions.  For nights before, I had nightmares and was hit by a terrible cloud of depression and doom that lasted for several days.  Finally, on Friday night with a lot of pleading, the cloud lifted and I had a peaceful dream that Max was happy to see us and ready to come home.  

On Sunday we met a counselor who took us to the field and briefed us on events.  I could see the boys moving around and held it together until I saw him.  Then I lost it.  Everything fear I’d been feeling just got swallowed up with love and relief that he was ok.  I cried and held on tight.  Max had our camp all set up and was so proud to show us what he’d learned.  He built us a fire and helped set up a tarp over our sleeping bags. 

That night we had a fireside with all of Max’s group. I loved the honesty and vulnerability of everyone there.  They shared hopes and fears for Max.  They all emphasized what a leader he was, how much he has changed and how grounded he is.  Max got a special honor and was Earth Named.  His Earth name was Windborn Pine.  It is a reference to being a lone pine that is strong from the winds of adversity and grows deep roots.  It is a stronger tree than the one in the forest that depends on others for strength.  

It was no surprise to us that Max never lost a piece of equipment, stayed impressively clean and excelled at cooking.  He made spoons and his fire bow.  He really knows a lot about wilderness survival.  

For 24 hours we basked in the calm, peaceful, grateful and light filled kid that we love so much.  We met people at the new school, got haircuts, had family dinner and scriptures study.  Took several baths and called it a night.  

At the camp I tried to convey to all the boys two things.  First, that their parents love them unconditionally, and second that nothing they have done, can’t be repaired.  

I’m learning a lot from Max.  First, that it is possible to get comfortable while being uncomfortable.  Second that “future tripping” only causes anxiety and unhealthy thoughts.  To stop future tripping, I can be grateful.   

I’m so proud of the hard things that he has done and so hopeful for the future.  We have so much that we want to give him.  All he has to do to qualify for the freedoms and privileges of our home is communication, honesty and trust.  Not perfection, not even total compliance.  

The big hole in our family is filled and we are so glad to have him home.  

Triple Dunk

Last weekend was memorable.  The Riplets turned 8 and were baptized.  To make it extra special we combined their baptism with CSC Winter Edition.  Sadly, 3 of 4 Lundbergs had the flu.  Eliza stayed in bed the whole day, Tony and Sam muscled through some ski runs,  but were miserable.  I felt great and loved every minute with my nieces and nephews.  It was so fun to have Tyler bring Kate and Owen.  Owen is a laugh a minute. 

Another highlight of our trip was going up to Diamond Lake to Hainsworth'sCarpe Skiem.  The winter-wonderland magic of that place was so healing for me.  I sat at my old table with a cup of tea and cried as I looked out on the beautiful snow.  We had the nicest evening playing games and drinking tea with Hainsworths. 

but were miserable.  I felt great and loved every minute with my nieces and nephews.  It was so fun to have Tyler bring Kate and Owen.  Owen is a laugh a minute.  Another highlight of our trip was going up to Diamond Lake to Carpe Skiem.  The winter-wonderland magic of that place was so healing for me.  I sat at my old table with a cup of tea and cried as I looked out on the beautiful snow.  We had the nicest evening playing games and drinking tea with Hainsworths. 

New Year

Happy 2020!  Only Sam partied until midnight.  The rest of us were fuddyduddies in bed by 10:00.  On Sunday night we Russ and Pam and their kids came down from Elk Ridge and Lori and Blake came from Vegas.  We had an impromptu dinner at Mom and Dad Lundbergs on Sunday night to celebrate Lori's birthday.  We played cards,  a get to know you game, and then spent time saying what  we liked about Aunt Lori.  It was a really happy time to hear stories from Grandma about growing up in polygamy.  While Russ and Pam were here, we played pickleball, watched movies and ate yummy food.  The unexpected company caused a little bit of tension between Tony and I.  We need to work through that so disruptions to our routine, don't disconnect us. 

On New Year's Day we tried to go see the Arizona side of the Grand Canyon.  We got about 20 miles in before we had to turn back from the muddy road.  Another highlight was the night Tony and I went to see the Mr Rogers movie.  We both cried and decided that our Mr Rogers is Audrey Kolb, who we miss so much. 

Mom and I went couch shopping and had such as happy time together.  I am as impulsive as she is indecisive, so it makes for an interesting shopping trip!  Wilson received an airline ticket for Christmas from his birth sister to go see him in TX.  He left after Christmas and stayed through New Years.  When he arrived at the airport his birth family greeted him with signs that said, "Welcome Home from Rehab."  This upset me very much, but Wilson thought it was hilarious.  On his way to Texas he got snowed in in Denver.  He was really stressed about it but found a traveling partner that he got a hotel room with.  Wilson reported that his birth father was crazy and believed wholeheartedly in a flat Earth.  He did believe that his birth Dad was a millionaire, and only worked as a CNA for fun.  Wilson's birth sister Rebekah looks a lot like him.  She is married to a former biker currently out of jail two years younger than her Dad.  Her Mom died when she was in junior high and she was bounced around friends houses until her Dad took her in.  As Wilson described it, his life and hers could not have been more different.  There was a lot of drinking and smoking pot, but there was also a lovely church service where Wilson felt the spirit. 

This week Tony and I had a chance to go to a pedicure Kareoke party.  It was Tony's first pedicure and we laughed our heads off.  Afterward we had gourmet pizzas and cupcakes.  This ward sure has some fun people. 

I've recently been able to go to the family addiction support group.  Last time I went I heard a phrase that I think will be my 2020 theme:  "With my bruised heel, I will crush his head."  In other words, whatever hurts and trials I am experiencing will be how prevail.  I am excited to see what this year brings.  I am anxious to get Max home and work really hard at parenting him.  I am excited to launch Eliza.  I am excited to see Samuel live up to his prophetic name.  I am even more anxious to discover more reasons we were led to St George. 

Christmas in Dixie

Our first Dixie Christmas was beautiful.  It didn’t look much like past Christmas’ but not much of current life does.  It was very easy to decorate for Christmas.  We purchased a dried up tree at Lowe’s and pulled out all three Christmas boxes.  It took about an hour.  Highlights this month included our ward party to see the live nativity at Tuacahn and Tony and my date with mom and Dad Lundberg to see the Princeless Bride.  It was a wonderful dinner and show and we had a great time with Mom and Dad.  

One night we made gingerbread creations.  Tony made a boat, Eliza an iceskating rink and I made a tree.  Sam just ate the dough and candy.  Eliza and I also participated in Koins for Kids.  We joined about 1000 people at Walmart and shopped for a needy family of four.  It was total chaos, but the timbre of the whole store was happy because we were all shopping for others.  We ended the night with a yummy dinner at Kneaders.  

This year Tony and I sang in the ward choir and got to sing three times on Christmas Sunday. Mom and Dad Rippy came to our ward and joined us for Crumble cookies afterward.  At the musical fireside that night, Wilson came. Along with the music, it was a nice Christmas gift.  Tony spent a Saturday making his famous Rocky Road and now his new nurses are in on the Christmas secret!  Tony and I got to meet several lovely couples at a work Christmas party hosted by Mavis Brown in New Harmony, just outside Cedar City.  It was the biggest spread of food we have ever seen.  Turkey, ham, pie, cake, and everything in between.  

We also had a fun double date with the Esplins to the temple in Cedar City.  Tony was speeding and got a ticket, so we missed the session and ended up doing sealings instead.  I’m so glad we can just let that stuff roll off of us now.  I was smart and hired someone to do our Christmas card.  That took all the stress off and Tony and I enjoyed doing cards together.  Amy came for a night (a wonderful Christmas gift) and joined me at the Christmas RS dinner.  I was so impressed at the 1 hour and 7 minute program that included dinner, music and a wonderful Christmas message.  

Eliza had her wisdom teeth out on the Monday before Christmas.  She did great, but really missed eating all the yummy Christmas food.  She was also pretty hilarious under anesthetic, and was worried about the scary fish.   Kaleb Kolb came to join us and really helped fill in the hole left by Max and Cooper’s absence.  Tony had Christmas Eve off so we played pickle ball and finished last minute shopping.  

We spent Christmas Eve at Uncle Bob and Aunt Kathy’s house.   We had ribs instead of ham and no pretzel jello, but it was delicious.  We had a fun white elephant food gift exchange, read the Christmas story and sang carols.  We exchanged gifts and celebrated Grandpa’s birthday-again with the Rocky Road. 

Christmas morning was quiet and peaceful. Everyone slept in while Tony and I went for a run.  We opened stockings and had a peaceful breakfast.  We opened gifts and Santa managed to sneak in a surprise: a Nintendo switch.  That meant that the rest of the day was filled with lots of Super Smash Bros. I was able to attend my addiction recovery support group and was able to enjoy the pure gift of Christmas, peace in the midst of pain.  We hosted Christmas dinner for the Lundbergs and Tony made a delicious brisquett.  Grandma Betty made her famous shrimp salad and Aunt Debbie brought homemade salsa.  After dinner we played cards, watched funny videos and exchanged gifts.  Tony was so thrilled to be with his family, and it brought back a lot of happy memories of when we were first married.  

On Thursday Tony had to go back to work, so the rest of us played pickleball and went to a movie.  Deb and I shopped and found a couple of great deals, as usual.  

Wilson was given an airline ticket by his birth sister for Christmas.  He will be meeting her and his birth father for the first time.  He started smoking again, which is exactly what I would have done in his place.  We are all praying for the best.  He will be in Texas for a week.  

We were allowed to give Max a hat and a pair of socks for Christmas   We gave him some stance snowboard socks and a Las Vegas Knights hat.  His progress is slow and steady.  His counselor says he is very very sophisticated at wearing a mask and hiding emotion.  He still chooses peer approval over what his heart wants.  We miss him so much,  but we don’t miss the angry, addicted Max.  We miss the wonderful, kind boy that completes our family.  

We missed Cooper and Jes too.  A couple of days before Christmas Cooper called to “clear the air.”  He had been so frustrated because he wants to know the details of Max's situation. Cooper has used secrets as control over us.  He has lost some control.  We feel it is Max’s story to tell and are holding to it.  Cooper was able to apologize and vocalize frustration.  I was able to tell him I love him.  Ironically, his Christmas package never arrived.  I was so frustrated, but have to trust that there was a reason.  He got plenty of gifts from Jackie and Fahd, thank goodness.  

It was a peaceful, if not a bit subdued, Christmas.  We felt the Savior's love this year in the small things.