Max the Driver

Max is official.  He will be driving the Ford Party Car,  The Fiesta.  We hope we survive another teenage driver.

 

Theraputic Burn

 COVID strikes again and cancels our girls weekend in Phoenix :(. We were excited to celebrate Betsy's 50th and discuss President Nelson's talks to our heart's content.  Thankfully, Betsy and Jeff came for the weekend and we had a great time eating out, hiking and releasing.  

At our last counseling session Tifanny introduced us to theraputic burning, a physical act of releasing the past.  Betsy brought a lot of hard papers from James' suicide including police reports and notes he had written her.  I brought the journal pages and police report from Max's wilderness program (1 year ago today he came home).   I was most fascinated watching Betsy's actual physical posture change as we watched all of that hard stuff cleansed by fire, and ascend to heaven in smoke.  I thought about the symbolism during the sacrament today too.  I take the burden of suffering, pain, resentment, and disappointment that I have willingly carried when God asked me to and, with his approval, I place it on the alter. I allow the spirit of fire to turn heavy burdens to nothing but a means of ascension to God.  

Max didn't formally participate, but joined by starting the fire, and that was a meaningful part I appreciated.  

Happy 60th Mom and Dad

Last Monday I stopped by Mom and Dad's to pick up canning jars.  I casually asked how they planned to celebrate their 60th anniversary.  Mom quickly confirmed (mostly directed to Dad) that the kids could not do anything because of COVID, so they weren't getting their hopes up.  I realized immediately that their hopes were up and despite COVID, we needed to do something!  I contacted Lori and offered to host a lunch.  Lori got commitments from Deb and Russ to come to St George.  Then everything just fell into place.  I casually invited Mom and Dad for lunch and cards on Saturday, and I think there was a minimum of suspecting/hoping.  Tony made a mouth-watering brisket, and I grilled veggies and made salad.  Lori had the fun idea of 5 dozen roses and made a poster with 60 kisses.  She sent them a beautiful album of our handwritten lovenotes, and a digital frame that flashes pictures.  

When they arrived, Mom was characteristically observant and immediately noticed the table set for 12, not 7.  I asked her to go get soda out of the pantry where everyone was hiding.  Dad cried.  It really was pure joy.  After dinner we opened gifts then sadly said goodbye to Russ and Pam, who had to get back for work.   We spent the afternoon playing pickleball and cards.  It was the Mom and Dad's first time and they were so cute playing with their kids as partners.  We ended the evening late at Mom and Dad's,  setting up their digital picture frame and giving one more round of hugs.  

It truly was a beautiful, heavenly day.  I felt particular love and admiration for Dad yesterday and felt like his generosity and tenderness is some of the greatest I've known.  He finds so much joy in other people's joy, especially Mom or the grandkids.  I feel like Dad often directs conversation to me, even in a group.  That special attention, and maybe even need for validation makes me feel connected to him, as well as a responsibility to be a good listener and validator.  

Best Christmas Gift Ever

 Brooklyn Hughes invited us to participate in her Endowment, our first chance to be in the temple in almost a year.  It was a generous and most appreciated gift.  It was also a treat to get away with Tony for a bit.  We packed it in.  We got up early on Friday morning before the sun was up and went up Provo canyon for to do some snowshoeing.  It was a bit of an adventure with my bald tires, but when the sun came up on that glorious sparkly snow I thought I was in heaven.  It was the best gift Tony could have given me.  We only made it two miles and got our butt kicked.  We took Andrea to the airport and stopped to drop off gifts to Jake and Callie, Deb and Rand and had a really sweet lunch with Chelsea.  We ended our get away with Indian food with Betsy and Jeff and a BYU basketball game so Tony was in heaven.   The spirit that comes from being in the temple makes everything look and taste better.

Happy New Year 2021

 On New Year's Eve I pulled out our hard drive with back up photos to review some of our past Christmas memories. I began frantically searching through folders finding them empty of pictures and replaces with video gaming and music.  Wilson had erased our hard drive.  I started spiraling into despair over the lost 10 years of our documented family life when Tony reminded me of the blog.  I was so grateful and relieved that in 2007 I started recording the good and hard in our family and that we had at least a few pictures.  It is highly motivating to continue our record, as pathetic of an effort as it is.

I was reflecting on 2020 and felt grateful for the healing that came after ripping off the bandaid of moving from St John.  I can say that after a gap year of rest and refocus, particularly after the quiet of quarantining, I am starting to feel a pull toward service and self improvement.  We will be studying the DC this year which will give all of a us a chance to "correct errors, clarify wording and recognize developments in our understanding" of the Doctrine of Jesus Christ.  I'd like to focus on the idea of trying to live resurrected, now.  In other words, rather than soothing the disconnect between body and spirit that happens during mortality with counterfeits, I will work to reconnect, reintegrate and stay present.  This state of resurrection is how God exists.  He will help me do this if I turn to him.  Any other soothing behavior that allows my body and spirit to remain disconnected is from Satan; it is sin.  So to use Adam Miller's phrase, I want to live an early resurrection, with body and spirit constantly integrated and my connection to God constantly present.  I am curious to see how my ability to stay connected to God by living in a state of early resurrection will facilitate other connections with people I love.  Control, shame, and resentment are the things I use to soothe when I feel the disconnect between body and spirit.  I'd like to not need those sins by turning to God instead and staying integrated.  

I'd also like to learn to swim faster.  I'd like to help Mom get her photos organized.  I'd like to travel once a month.  I'd like to join a Spanish conversation group.