Last Drops of Summer

 Eliza figured out that Lake Powell was only 4 hours away from Phoenix and convinced us to meet her and her roommates there on Friday night to spend the last glorious day of summer.  It wasn't a hard sell. We stayed on the houseboat for the night and spent the perfect summer day surfing and George boarding and exploring Navajo canyon.  It was so fun for Tony and I to watch Eliza's kindness and competency.  She is truly an emotionally healthy human with healthy normal attachment and we are both amazed and filled by just being around her.  We loved watching the patient and skilled way she taught her roommates to surf.  The girls were all great sports and even without total success, they all tried!  

We had planned to take the boys with us.  They had both agreed to go and then, as per usual, sabatoged our family event by refusing to go.  It's the pattern that Wilson set many years ago. Sam was weeping and swearing and Max just locked himself in the bedroom.  It is a most confusing, disconcerting feeling to offer your kids a gift, a night on lake powell in a houseboat with all the good food I could think of, and have them reject it with so much anger and venom.  Their reaction is such evidence of disrupted attachment, because any other kid on the planet would have loved a day on the lake.  

We've cancelled Max's phone, which is like taking away an alcoholic's beer, so he is desperate and panicked.  Sam has also lost media privilege, temporarilly, because he had a great day of connection with Grandma and Grandpa and us when we got home.  

It's been a year since Max was in the wilderness program.  He follows the rules and is mildly respectful at home and at school, but there has been no change in his ability to form healthy relationships.  Every relationship he has is superficial and 100% self-centered.  He gives nothing, unless it's with a motivation to get something.  We can't force healthy attachment, but we can stop funding unhealthy attachment vices, like the phone.  It isn't pretty.

Last Monday Wilson attended counseling with Tony and I.  He is doing pretty well right now.  His job at Three Point Center for attachment-challenged adopted kids is a miracle beyond words.  He has true empathy for them, is gaining perspective and insight for the parents, and even attends counseling with the students he oversees.  In the session Wilson expressed the overwhelming shame that he's felt for most of his life. He talked about how hard it has been to be a constant disappointment to his parents.  He expressed regrets that he couldn't be the big brother that set an example for his younger siblings and even suggested that he was responsible for them not staying in the church and going on missions.  He talked about how hurtful it is when Cooper calls him stupid and the horror he felt after slapping Eliza.  We had to share hard things about how his siblings are afraid of him.  He asked us to begin trusting him, and we are anxious to, but we also have to respect the boundaries that his siblings set.  It was really healing and I'm so grateful that he went and that we have Tiffany to help be a "place of safety" for us to heal.  

Yesterday I received a gift from my Heavenly Parents.  I lay on a beach that they had created with a stunning blue sky, perfect temperature of sun rays warming my skin.  The sand was soft and the sound of waves was utterly soothing.  There was no wind, no bugs nothing uncomfortable.  I lay there feeling loved for a long time.  I think that gift was given to me so I can return to that place when things get hard here.  

Happy Birthday to Me!

 I'm 49.  Feels good.  I invited several friends on a hike in Kannaraville.  It was heavenly.  I met a new girl in the ward who is the oldest of 4 brothers and we totally hit it off.  My friend Shannon took me to lunch and shopping in Cedar City and we had a wonderful time talking and the most delicious pizza and salad.  That afternoon I went thrift store shopping with mom and Dad, Cooper and Jes sent me flowers, Eliza called, Wilson texted and Tony got Mad Pita for dinner.  He even sacrificed a BYU game to take me to a terrible play  called "The Man with Pointed Toes."  We enjoyed lots of birthday pumpkin pie and neighbors and friends remembered me all weekend.  I love birthdays.  It's so delightful to still be alive and compared to the trauma of last year's birthday, it was a great weekend overall.  

Lake Powell

 I fought.  I complained.  I rejected.  I acquiesced.   This week I totally acknowledge that I was wrong and was being stupid.   Lake Powell is a magical wonderful place.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that we are half-week owners of the Imperial Sunrise houseboat on Lake Powell.  I hope we can buy a second week, and a third.

I loved that Tony was really excited about it and was as into the preparations as I was.  This is new for us, getting ready for vacations together, and I like it.  Sunday was one of my favorite days.  We had church, loaded the food, then listened to conference talks together totally unstressed and calm all the way to Powell.  Then we unloaded the food, and made beds before heading to meet everyone at Horseshoe bend.  The houseboat is so functional and cozy.  

The Rippy's all boarded the houseboat and gave us tons of approbation.  After getting settled, Dad hosted a fireside and shared his conference synopsis' with us.  We laughed and talked and played games and finally snuggled in for the night.  On Monday morning we set sail!  The pilot got us out of the marina and handed the wheel over without a second thought.  It was harrowing and Tony had lots of stress tethering the boat to the back, driving and figuring out the engines and generator.  We found a beach to dock and anchored up and then spent the day surfing and swimming.  That night we grilled steaks and baked potatoes to celebrate the actual 50th anniversary then all went on top deck to watch the stars,  We went around the circle and shared what about Mom and Dad's marriage we admire.  It was pretty tender and Mom shared how much she trusts and admires Dad.  There was a lot of laughing that night.  Tony was truly exhausted and stressed and had a night of high anxiety including some regret for the houseboat purchase.  Thankfully by Tuesday morning and a good sleep he was back to himself and enjoying the beauty, feeling a little more confident.  

On Tuesday we did yoga with Chelsea, then had breakfast and loaded into the boat to go explore Navajo canyon.  The very bravest among us, Tony, Cameron, and Stacey floated in their bumfloat's into a slot canyon.  Cameron got cut up by the mussels (STD of the lake) and Stacey fell off the boat once, but other than that we were safe.  Everyone loved the amazing canyons and we all continue to be stunned at the beauty.   The boat was acting up which gave us a little stress but Cameron and Tony got it figured out.  The Red Thai curry was a big hit that night.  We played codenames late into the night and laughed so hard pee came out.  On Wednesday we made Dad's delicious tostadas, pulled up anchor, sailed back down the channel and then reanchored at a beach just across from Wahweap.  It was so hard to say goodbye to my brothers and their beautiful wives.  There wasn't one time I didn't feel total love and gratitude to have my siblings.  I loved watching Kimberly remember her many childhood vacations on lake Powell.  I loved watching Jill run on the beach.  I love watching my brothers go down the slide.  I loved doing watching Chelsea dance in the kitchen.  I loved Stacey willing to try anything.  I especially love watching my parents enjoy the fruit of their labor.  I loved watching all the boys trying to figure out how to start the generator.  Cameron pushing buttons, Jeff reading the manual, Tyler cracking jokes, Dustin doing the heavy lifting.  

Thankfully, the fun wasn't over.  After a harrowing experience of pulling the boat out, filling the boat and gas cans, hitting a trailer, scaring Tony to death with my extended absence, we got a lovely evening all by ourselves on the houseboat.  We made good use of it :)  By 9:00 it was time to pick up Brad, Kim, Jeff and Betsy.  It was so fun to see their excitement about the houseboat they half own!  At midnight Tony and I took our flashlights and crossed the dark lake again to pick up Jason and Andrea.  None of us got much sleep that night because we were all so excited.  In the morning we embarked back across the cut.  The funniest moment was nearly running into  houseboat playing chicken with us on the right side of the channel.  We started joking about them being from the UK and when we got up close enough to talk to them, we discovered by their accents they were indeed from the UK and were driving on the wrong side of the street! After a lovely ride down the channel, we found a perfect place to dock at the end of a bay with total seclusion and sheer rock walls.  We floated in our bumfloat's and swam and surfed. We grilled brats and and apples talked about everything and caught up with Brad and Kim's amazing adventures.  We were all so tired from our late night we were asleep by 10:00 and slept like the dead.  Happily after a yummy breakfast we had a great day ahead of us.  We all lounged on the deck in the sun and read scriptures and shared our deepest thoughts and experiences.  Finally we got our lazy bones into the boat and went searching for EBB.  The waves and wind were terrible but we finally found our beloved bay.  The guys all bumfloated for a while then we found a beach to munch our mostly bacon sandwiches (I forgot the lettuce!)   We headed back across the bumpy waves and settled in for delicious Indian butter chicken and coconut rice.  Somehow Andrea figured out how to make caramel corn and we ravenously ate it and laughed our heads off playing codenames again.  On Saturday we ate breakfast, pulled anchor, cleaned up and got Andrea and Jason back to shore in time for their flight.  Then we met the pilot, gassed up, finished filling the boat with water, and loaded our stuff onto the boat.  It was finally time to say goodbye to an incredible week of family and friends.  

I am a Washington skier and love trees and green.  But I am now a lake Powell girl and can truly enjoy the beauty of the canyons and rocks.  I loved going in October.  I'm so thankful for a husband that dreams big.