It is Mother's Day, so, it is complex. The feelings of gratitude for the chance to be a mother despite not having any reproductive organs float like lily pads, beautiful and orderly on a less seemly pond of emotions. I'm grateful to my kid's birthmoms, my own mom and motherinlaw. I'm thankful for my mother heroes, covenenat keeping matriarchs like Eve and Mary. I'm thankful for the co-moms, my friends and sisters, who are in this with me. I feel confident and happy just to have the chance to raise children in righteousness. I'm so thankful to be doing this with Tony.
Underneath the gratitude, in the dark water, I still feel resentful that my efforts haven't had the expected outcome. There are occasionally slimy tendrils of shame and regret for some really big parenting mistakes I made. I'm jealous of moms with missionaries and kids who pray without being asked. I'm judgey and critical in the murky water.
Tony gave me the best gifts this weekend. We took a bike ride to Rock Lake on Saturday morning and then worked ourselves to exhaustion painting the house. In Elder's Quorum meeting while the men were planning taking over primary and young womens, he suggested that I would rather teach primary music than have the day off. It caused a kerfuffle, but I loved that he knew me so well. It was a great day and the kids filled my cup.
Last week we picked an official departure date and started telling people we were leaving. Doesn't seem real. We can live in Mom and Dads house for a month. Tony does not yet have a job. His interviews last week in St George didn't go quite as well as he had hoped. I attended my 39th and last band concert. I keep purging from the house. Every cell in my body does not want to leave, but all of me knows its right and I m going to do it. I remembered when I felt this before; my marriage. So at least I know when I do whats right, not what I want, there is a happy ending.
