CSC 2018

Happy Birthday Max

August 14, 2018

Dear Maxwell

Today you are 14 years old.  I have loved watching you work so hard to define your identity.  You have decided to wear bejeweled chains, get beads and braids in your hair, and wear pink belts. As a true demonstration of your teenagerness,  you got a phone.  It wasn’t the phone you had hoped for, but you were grateful and didn’t complain, although you immediately began planning ways to earn an upgrade.  Without being asked,  you had it charging in our bedroom before you went to bed.  The idea of trust is starting to sink in. 

You have a good work ethic.  You complete your mowing jobs without being told or reminded.  You are competitive, but lately have managed your temper much better when you play with someone better or bigger than you.

This summer you attended overnight basketball camps and a week long encampment where you proved your independence and confidence to yourself and to us.  I am enjoying watching you gain your autonomy.

Every Sunday I get a chance to scratch your back through sacrament meeting. Even when you don’t want to be there, I am Grateful for the time to be together.  

You and Eliza are becoming fast friends and I see your relationship growing as you attend high school together.  You have been making extra efforts with Marcos too and I know how much he looks up to you as both a protector and friend.  

I love you so much it takes my breath away.  You have been a special healing gift to me and are teaching me so much about love.  

Happy birthday son,

Love Mom

Glacier Get-Away 26th Anniversary

Last year's anniversary in Jerusalem is impossible to top, but our get away to Glacier National Park this year was a taste of heaven.  Max was at the Regional Priesthood Encampment for the week and Tony had a couple of days off so we escaped!

We started our morning at the temple and were pleased to be the witness couple.  After a quick lunch we drove North through the beautiful mountains of British Columbia.  Our favorite town was Fernie, where we stopped for a beautiful hike.  For dinner, we had our first Puteine, a Canadian staple of fries, cheese curds and gravy.  We checked into our hotel in Pincher Creek and thought we would catch a movie.  We were sorely disappointed with "Mama Mia" and walked out halfway through.  When we got back to the hotel we couldn't find our toiletry bag and headed back to 7-11 for toothbrushes and deodorant.  Normally this would have ticked us off, but in lovely Alberta, with the mountains all around us and no kids, a 20 dollar toothbrush was just funny.

The next morning we grabbed breakfast in the beautiful lakeside village of Waterton.  We took a beautiful hike in Waterton National forest, the Canadian side of Glacier.  We were impressed with how clean and tidy Canada is.  No trash, great facilities, fewer lines.  After a quick lunch and ice cream cone at the border (delicious), we entered Glacier National park and drove on Going to the sun road.  It was spectacular.  We stopped at least three times for various hikes and were rewarded with views of mountain goats, Big Horn sheep and a tiny dot reported to be a bear.  The driving was a s beautiful as the scenery and we had a wonderful book to listen to the whole way entitled, "Life is So Good."  AS the sun went down we headed out of the park and checked into our hotel in Kalispell.  Dinner was a grave disappointment, and so we had to console ourselves with fries and hot fudge sundaes at McDonalds.  We went back to the hotel where we watched documentaries on the places we had just seen.  I was especially interested in the

Roller coaster ride

Having a child with mental illness feels like riding an insane roller coaster in the dark.  I can’t see what is coming and all of a sudden I’m falling, or spinning, or upside down.  I can’t imagine how much worse it is to be the person with mental illness.   One area I’m getting better at is recognizing when Wilson in in fight or flight irrational brain.  I’m getting better at disengaging and waiting for a better time.  However, my biggest battles are resentment over the money we spend, Wilson’s inability to contribute, and a constant nagging dread that I’m perpetuating dysfunctional behavior by coddling and over-functioning.  I never rest from constant spinning and planning in an effort to predict, pre-empt or facilitate Wilson’s next step.  Worry feels like a burning fever that torments me when I’m asleep and awake.  

I have discovered two means of relief, that although temporary, are a tremendous blessing and rest.  One is the temple.  I experience relief while I’m in the temple and sometimes for a few days afterward.  The second is a deliberate and prayerful fast.  Only sometimes do these blessings result in changes with Wilson.  Always the changes are in me.  Yesterday was one of those days when my fast resulted in peace, a clearer vision, and an ability to dismiss my contrived timelines.  I’m like a boiling kettle and the temple and fasting remove me from the burner, let me cool off a bit and release some steam.  I know these powers don’t come from me.  I’m incapable of that immediate change.  It’s all I know to do, all I know to survive this scary roller coaster ride.