Mother's Day 2021

In a Women's Conference talk this week, Sis Eubanks defined joy, not as an emotion of happiness or elation, but as progression.  I can't stop thinking about this definition, especially today on Mother's Day.  The temple covenants promise joy in our posterity.  I've experienced very little of the "joy" I thought I would have when I started acquiring posterity.  Not one of the dreams or expectations I had for my children have come to pass, because my dreams were unrealistic, narrow, arrogant and pride driven.   But I have felt tremendous joy, or progression, as a result of my posterity in soul-stretching ways for the last 25 years.  My joy/progression has included learning

that everyone needs and has a Savior, but its not me.

to recognize and God's communication, especially through the scriptures

that I can depend on God's unfailing and unchanging nature to feel safe, secure and worthy, not on my children's, husband's or parent's unreliable behaviors.

my primary identity is as a disciple of Christ and daughter of Heavenly Parents

there is a difference between fear and anger, boundaries and control, love and approval

It is never correct to try to do things alone.  Alone is disconnected and in opposition to the principle of counseling and partnership and negates the correctness of any action. 

Understanding joy as progression has released some shame feelings, because progression is sometimes uncomfortable.  That means joy might sometimes be uncomfortable.  It feels like another of the gospel paradoxes that enamor me.  

Here are 10 pieces of advice for parents of hard kids that I wish someone had told me 25 years ago:

1.    Do not read parenting books.  They are intended for normal emotionally developing children.  

2.    Prioritize couples counseling.  The greatest safety for a hard kid is an example of healthy connection.

3.    Don't use physical touch for "forced bonding" or as punishment.

4.    Don't address misbehaviors during times of heightened fear or trauma response.  Wait until you and the child are emotionally regulated.  

5.    Learn skills for emotional regulation that include resilience from taking children's behavior's personally

6.    Foster safe relationships with other people who might offer healthy connection.  Then back off, relinquish control and trust them.   

7.    Use incentives and consequences judiciously and sparingly.  Hard kids interpret rewards and punishments as love and approval (or rejection and disapproval) despite our intentions.  

8. Protect the victims of your hard child's behavior.  Exercise caution when placing responsibility on siblings.

9.    Focus energy on identifying, rooting out and becoming resilient to shame in yourself and in your family culture.  

10.    Define joy as progression.  

Motherhood has been a ride.  It looks like grandmotherhood is my next big adventure and I say, bring it on.