Roller coaster ride

Having a child with mental illness feels like riding an insane roller coaster in the dark.  I can’t see what is coming and all of a sudden I’m falling, or spinning, or upside down.  I can’t imagine how much worse it is to be the person with mental illness.   One area I’m getting better at is recognizing when Wilson in in fight or flight irrational brain.  I’m getting better at disengaging and waiting for a better time.  However, my biggest battles are resentment over the money we spend, Wilson’s inability to contribute, and a constant nagging dread that I’m perpetuating dysfunctional behavior by coddling and over-functioning.  I never rest from constant spinning and planning in an effort to predict, pre-empt or facilitate Wilson’s next step.  Worry feels like a burning fever that torments me when I’m asleep and awake.  

I have discovered two means of relief, that although temporary, are a tremendous blessing and rest.  One is the temple.  I experience relief while I’m in the temple and sometimes for a few days afterward.  The second is a deliberate and prayerful fast.  Only sometimes do these blessings result in changes with Wilson.  Always the changes are in me.  Yesterday was one of those days when my fast resulted in peace, a clearer vision, and an ability to dismiss my contrived timelines.  I’m like a boiling kettle and the temple and fasting remove me from the burner, let me cool off a bit and release some steam.  I know these powers don’t come from me.  I’m incapable of that immediate change.  It’s all I know to do, all I know to survive this scary roller coaster ride.