Clean out

This weekend was a good lesson in the difference between fun and joy. Andrea and I drove to McMinnville on Friday night with six of our kids and spent the next 24 hours ignoring those kids and working our butts off. I haven't been that emotionally and physically tired in a long time. I have not felt that much joy in a long time.

Our goal (and prayer) was to pull out everything from James' closet and to finish tackling the pile of James' belongings from Pocatello. It was a daunting task that seemed impossible. 8 Boxes of hundreds and hundreds of CDs, piles of books, and boxes full of every paper, email and picture James ever wrote, read or referenced. The sheer volume of stuff was what was so physically taxing. We took at least two full van loads to the DI and shredded boxes full of documents. We got great arm workouts lifting bins and boxes all day!

What was so emotionally exhausting was going through the evidence of James' valiant struggle against mental illness. Every item was labeled, dated and catalogued in what appeared to me to be an attempt to put order into the chaos of his mind. Books, music, sticky notes, and articles all showed enormous intention and effort to be a better person and apply grace. I held tangible evidence of James's broken heart and pure motives.

His excessive collections and obsession with material possessions also seemed like evidence of the fear he must have lived with, fear that was both a result of his illness and his upbringing. His intricate labeling rituals seem like an effort to assert his identity, reality and maybe worth. Thinking about it breaks my heart. I trust that now that he is in the presence of the Savior and free of a broken brain, he can relax and fully comprehend his intrinsic value.

It was painful to relive some of the hard times Betsy has been through, but every time I started feeling pity for her trials, I remembered the incredible gifts that the atonement has offered her. Betsy has not missed out on anything and everything that seemed a loss has been and will continue to be compensated because of the power she accesses from making and keeping covenants.

I am going through my house again to see what I can get rid of. I wantto spend my time and effort on keeping covenants not keeping track of stuff. It is the gift James' has given me.

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