Yesterday in a fit of anger Wilson challenged my assertion that his actions affect our family. As I tried to explain how his bad choices pull our family down, that they make the other kids sad, and that they weaken our family ties, he responded calmly with, "bullsh*!" It was a lightbulb moment. He's right. I put too much stock in "whole family" happiness. When there are 7 diverse people in a family, not everyone will be onboard for every activity. Sometimes it will be part-family happiness, while some children choose not to participate. An unhappy teenager does not get to affect the joy and fun of the rest of our family. It was a really good reminder for me to transfer attention from the nonparticipant to the participants. If all the kids are being surly and uncooperative then I will ignore them all and give all my attention to Tony. So there.
At the Power of Mom's retreat a couple of weeks ago the presenter asked the question, "What did your Mom do to provide an environment of safety and security?" I've been thinking about that question. My answers are rediculously cliche: family meals, predictable family traditions, family chores. My Mom has apologized for putting a lot of responsibility on me, but that responsibility gave me purpose and made me feel needed, even indispensable. My Mom conveyed confidence in me and my decision by rarely questioning my actions and choices. My Mom made me feel secure by not overreacting or dramatizing situations. Barf, blood or tears were not causes for panic, nor were bad grades, hurt feelings or mistakes. Somehow despite betrayal and lack of confidence in her own body, she made me secure in mine. My Mom's pervasive philosophy of life seemed to be, "things will work out if we rely on the Lord." That philosophy continues to make me feel safe and secure.
If I ask the question of myself as a mom, the answers are similar. Emphasis on family meals, family home evening, prayer and scriptures study make me and my kids feel secure. I could do better making sure that my kids have responsibilities that make them an imperative part of our family. I do pretty well at predictable family traditions and might even err on too great an emphasis on family fun. I need constant reminders not to catastrophize situations, but a little barf, blood and tears don't scare me. If I could add one thing to the safety net for my kids it would be for them to see their parents as 100% inseparable. More public display of affection, more bragging about how great Tony is, more backing up his decisions and ideas.
This is my Mother's Day Mantra: I am a deliberate Mom. I am a professional Mom. I am a divinely appointed Mom. And in the end I trust God and eveything will work out.
No comments:
Post a Comment