still, still, still

We will remember this Christmas as the most picturesque of my lifetime.  The snow looked like marshmallow cream on the trees and the snow fell gently all day with no wind and the perfect winter temperature.  There was a full moon.  The beautiful snow and moon seemed to make our happy traditions even more magical.

We began Christmas Eve at the ice skating rink, with the cousins.  I brought reindeer antlers this year so there were a lot of skating reindeer on the ice.  One Christmas miracle was that my cousin Kimberly's kids were supposed to be with their Dad and not able to come.  At the last minute, they put up such a fuss, Dad gave in and they joined us.  We also had Uncle Dale and Aunt Nancy and their daughter Erin's kids for the first time this year.  We missed the Hamiltons and the Leavitts. It is always so great to see how everyone has grown and share delicious soup

We spent the afternoon at Cam and Jill's sledding and playing Jeff's new game "Epidemic."  Traditional dinner, beautiful program, Men's choir, musical numbers and new pajamas.  This year we took everyone to the mall and had them pick new sweatshirts and sweatpants.  It made things a much easier, and we had a fun day at the mall together.  I was questioning whether the Star Wars was appropriate for Christmas, when one cousin piped up, "Jesus loves Star Wars!"  I only had Marcos participate in the nativity--as the star--everyone else was a Heavenly Host.  I loved giving all my nieces and nephews boxes of sugar cereal!  The best gift of all was the announcement from Jeff and Stacey that they are expecting.  I am so happy for another baby in our family.

When we got home I pulled out new flannel sheets for everyone.  We were expecting a new bed for mom and dad, but the delivery truck slipped off the road.  Mom and Dad slept on a mattress on the floor and Cooper had the bean bag.  Marcos and I had read Aunt Chelsea's new book and had made a plan to have Marcos help play the role of Santa.  He took this job very seriously.  He peeled carrots and then carefully took bites.  He set out cookies and then nibbled the edges.  He drank the milk, he jingled the bells.  He used the broom to simulate reindeer hooves on the roof.  He loved being a part of it.  Aunt Chelsea has helped preserve the magic of Christmas with her clever book!

On Christmas Day the kids were lined up on the stairs by 8:00.  We exchanged and opened gifts and had a lot of happy kids.  Everyone is excited for the trip to Mexico and the Swagway was a big hit too.  Tony and I had a good run and Eliza made us breakfast.  We had a lovely visit to Louis and Lorena White, our neighbor, who is recently out of the hospital.  We met Mom and Dad downtown and settled into our recliners with boxes of popcorn, M&Ms and 3D glasses.  The Star Wars fans loved the movie.  Some of us just endured it, but liked the company.  We had a yummy BBQ steak dinner that night with Mom and Dad.

Unexpectedly Wilson and Stephanie joined us.  It was the only part of Christmas that Wilson joined us on.  We had last seen him on the 23rd when he brought the rig home.  He was chain smoking and swearing and so agitated we didn't feel safe having him sleep in our home.  He stayed the night in the hotel downtown.  It is so painful to watch the train wreck unfolding.  I had been prepared in my scripture study earlier in the day to testify of two things.  First, that Wilson is a good boy.  Second, that he knows the difference between right and wrong.  I will just keep testifying of those principles over and over.  Grandma and Grandpa were so good at showing unconditional love.  They are a tremendous blessing to us.

Despite my heartbreak over Wilson, God blessed me with so much peace this December.  I lived in the moment more than I ever have before.  Sometimes the peace in our home brought tears to my eyes.  I know every good thing comes because of the birth of Jesus Christ.  I know He is the only way to feel long-term happiness and peace.  I am thankful for a whole season to think of Him.

a few of our favorite (Christmas) things

Shattered plate

I like things in life to look right, to be in order and to make sense. For example, my friend Valerie gave me a beautiful set of plates representing the 12 days of Christmas. She found them at a thrift store which makes them an even more special gift. I decided to hang the plates in the living room to enjoy them. After getting them hung just right, I stood back and delighted in how they looked, a full set on the wall, hung beautifully. Everything was just right. The next morning when I came downstairs, the first plate was shattered on the ground. It had fallen off the hook in the night. I cried, because my perfect display was ruined, unbalanced and undone.

The shattered plate is a perfect symbol of how life feels to me. Just when I get things arranged and put in order so that everything looks right, something out of my control shatters it and I am left unbalanced, out of alignment and undone. Most of the time, the shattering is Wilson related.

I need to work really hard at learning to accept imperfection. Id like to learn to accept life when something breaks, is out of balance, or out of order. There is beauty in broken things and perfection comes from Christ, period. He completes us, he fixes mistakes and broken things. I'm going to find and hang a new non-matching plate. It will remind me that beauty and happiness in life come from a perfect Jesus Christ, not


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Marcos turns 9

Happy Birthday Guido!
As usual your birthday snuck up on us and you were 9 in a blink of an eye. You started your day with a gift from the Whites, a remote control, light up, noisy car. I brought donut holes to your classroom and managed to make it through the Book of Marcos without choking up. It's my favorite story and I love to share it, despite your protestations. You were happy with your late night Legos and pudding pie. Your laid back nature is my favorite thing about you. Lately you want me to tell you stories about when you were little. You especially like the ones about when you fell in the tub or squirted Ivy with a hose, the mischievous stories. You are obsessed with , "your mom...." jokes. We are all sick to death of them, but they make you and your friends laugh every time.

We celebrated your birthday again with the family at a hotel in Dayton. We swam in the pool and hot tub. We ate lunch out with our dear neighbors the Whites. We spent most of the day watching basketball and you were a good sport about it.

Guido, I love you so much. You are the healing balm in our family. You have been able to connect with your siblings in ways no one else can, particularly your big brother Wilson. I love your emerging vocabulary, your love of playing catch footballing your Dad, and the imaginative games you play with Max. I love your resistance to my daily bee-shots and your understanding of the gospel. I am so glad you are mine.


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Happy Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving was a weekend of miracles. The first miracle was a text from Wilson a few hours before we left saying "come get me. I want to go to Bear Lake with you." I picked him up and we were on the road a few short hours later. It was both healing and hard because it was the first time I had spoken with him since he went awol from ISU. The car time was best time to talk and begin to unravel the mystery of the last four months.

The second miracle was that we made it to Bear Lake through terrible weather. There was a stretch of highway between Pocatello and Idaho Falls with semi trucks and cars rolled off the road in every direction. The Montana passes were foggy and Utah was a veritable blizzard of snow. Thankfully all travelers from the north and the south, including Jake, Callie and Kaleb made it safely.  We were smart to leave on Tuesday night and get a good night's rest at the Cmon Inn  in Missoula.  We love the C'mon Inn, just for the sheer pleasure of saying the name!

Our third miracle we call the "miracle of the green beans." Valerie Larsen came over on Wednesday to look for green beans and discovered 6 inches of water in the basement. She quickly organized the troops and got the water shut off. Serv-pro is a wonderful company and they had the water taken care of before we got home.

Our Thanksgiving was a great mix of old traditions and new. The hungry pilgrim feast was delicious as always. The snow ruined our turkey trot so we did Thanksgiving yoga instead. We sat in a big circle and shared 100 things we were thankful for. Our feast was plentiful and delicious. In the evening we watched Dan in Real Life, my all time favorite movie. We also busted out the broom trick and I was humbled as never before to discover I can't do it anymore--more yoga for me!

On Friday we drove to Logan to the family fun center. Bowling, roller skating and laser tag all in one place. My favorite moment was when Andrea, Betsy and I handed out pb sandwiches, chips and cookies out the windows of the rig in the freezing cold. I left the key in the ignition and we had to jump it. I always get confused about jumping the car so I wrote the directions with a sharpie marker on the sun visor. It was a little impulsive, but we laughed our heads off. We got a little shopping done at a local boutique, as a bonus!

That night we snuggled in with leftovers, games, movies and....single dating sites! Callie was a great blessing and got a fantastic picture of Betsy for her dating profile. She had interested guys writing in 10 minutes. We had so much fun snuggling in bed and flirting on Betsy's behalf.

On Saturday we bundled up and went to the BYU football game in Logan. It was fun for about 30 minutes and then it just got miserable. The good that came out of it was an opportunity to find a gospel parallel about doing hard things. Wilson refused to go, but he did spend positive time with Jackson and Eli. That night we made a family playlist and had a dance party. Mostly it was all of us watching Max dance, fascinated by his genetic ability to bust the move.

Sunday we were blessed with clear roads and skies and made good time home. Jason and Andrea had an extra car to get home so we had an opportunity to divide up and spend quality time talking; Tony and Wilson, Cooper and Eliza, me and Wilson. Some of the time was painful, as time with Wilson often is.

There were several times on the trip when I just stopped and prayed with tremendous gratitude for the moments of peace. I felt hope when I stayed focused on God keeping his promises, on His timing, not mine.
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